This really chaps my hide. The son of a bitch knew all along. But fucked us anyway.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
Friday, November 9, 2007
Another Solid Speech
Address by Salt Lake City Mayor Ross C. “Rocky” Anderson
October 27, 2007
City & County Building, Salt Lake City, Utah
---------------------------------------------------------
Today, as we come together once again in this great city, we raise our voices in unison to say to President Bush, to Vice President Cheney, to other members of the Bush Administration (past and present), to a majority of Congress, including Utah’s entire congressional delegation, and to much of the mainstream media: “You have failed us miserably and we won’t take it any more.”
“While we had every reason to expect far more of you, you have been pompous, greedy, cruel, and incompetent as you have led this great nation to a moral, military, and national security abyss.”
“You have breached trust with the American people in the most egregious ways. You have utterly failed in the performance of your jobs. You have undermined our Constitution, permitted the violation of the most fundamental treaty obligations, and betrayed the rule of law.”
“You have engaged in, or permitted, heinous human rights abuses of the sort never before countenanced in our nation’s history as a matter of official policy. You have sent American men and women to kill and be killed on the basis of lies, on the basis of shifting justifications, without competent leadership, and without even a coherent plan for this monumental blunder.”
“We are here to tell you: We won’t take it any more!”
“You have acted in direct contravention of values that we, as Americans who love our country, hold dear. You have deceived us in the most cynical, outrageous ways. You have undermined, or allowed the undermining of, our constitutional system of checks and balances among the three presumed co-equal branches of government. You have helped lead our nation to the brink of fascism, of a dictatorship contemptuous of our nation’s treaty obligations, federal statutory law, our Constitution, and the rule of law.”
“Because of you, and because of your jingoistic false ‘patriotism,’ our world is far more dangerous, our nation is far more despised, and the threat of terrorism is far greater than ever before. It has been absolutely astounding how you have committed the most horrendous acts, causing such needless tragedy in the lives of millions of people, yet you wear your so-called religion on your sleeves, asserting your God-is-on-my-side nonsense – when what you have done flies in the face of any religious or humanitarian tradition. Your hypocrisy is mind-boggling – and disgraceful. What part of “Thou shalt not kill” do you not understand? What part of the “Golden rule” do you not understand? What part of “be honest,” “be responsible,” and “be accountable” don’t you understand? What part of “Blessed are the peacekeepers” do you not understand? Because of you, hundreds of thousands of people have been killed, many thousands of people have suffered horrendous lifetime injuries, and millions have been run off from their homes. For the sake of our nation, for the sake of our children, and for the sake of our brothers and sisters around the world, we are morally compelled to say, as loudly as we can, ‘We won’t take it any more!’ ”
“As United States agents kidnap, disappear, and torture human beings around the world, you justify, you deceive, and you cover up. We find what you have done to men, women and children, and to the good name and reputation of the United States, so appalling, so unconscionable, and so outrageous as to compel us to call upon you to step aside and allow other men and women who are competent, true to our nation’s values, and with high moral principles to stand in your places – for the good of our nation, for the good of our children, and for the good of our world.”
In the case of the President and Vice President, this means impeachment and removal from office, without any further delay from a complacent, complicit Congress, the Democratic majority of which cares more about political gain in 2008 than it does about the vindication of our Constitution, the rule of law, and democratic accountability. It means the election of people as President and Vice President who, unlike most of the presidential candidates from both major parties, have not aided and abetted in the perpetration of the illegal, tragic, devastating invasion and occupation of Iraq. And it means the election of people as President and Vice President who will commit to return our nation to the moral and strategic imperative of refraining from torturing human beings.
In the case of the majority of Congress, it means electing people who are diligent enough to learn the facts, including reading available National Intelligence Estimates, before voting to go to war. It means electing to Congress men and women who will jealously guard Congress’s sole prerogative to declare war. It means electing to Congress men and women who will not submit like vapid lap dogs to presidential requests for blank checks to engage in so-called preemptive wars, for legislation permitting warrantless wiretapping of communications involving US citizens, and for dangerous, irresponsible, saber-rattling legislation like the recent Kyl-Lieberman amendment.
We must avoid the trap of focusing the blame solely upon President Bush and Vice-President Cheney. This is not just about a few people who have wronged our country – and the world. They were enabled by members of both parties in Congress, they were enabled by the pathetic mainstream news media, and, ultimately, they have been enabled by the American people – 40% of whom are so ill-informed they still think Iraq was behind the 9/11 attacks – a people who know and care more about baseball statistics and which drunken starlets are wearing underwear than they know and care about the atrocities being committed every single day in our name by a government for which we need to take responsibility. As loyal Americans, without regard to political partisanship -- as veterans, as teachers, as religious leaders, as working men and women, as students, as professionals, as businesspeople, as public servants, as retirees, as people of all ages, races, ethnic origins, sexual orientations, and faiths -- we are here to say to the Bush administration, to the majority of Congress, and to the mainstream media: “You have violated your solemn responsibilities. You have undermined our democracy, spat upon our Constitution, and engaged in outrageous, despicable acts. You have brought our nation to a point of immorality, inhumanity, and illegality of immense, tragic, unprecedented proportions.”
“But we will live up to our responsibilities as citizens, as brothers and sisters of those who have suffered as a result of the imperial bullying of the United States government, and as moral actors who must take a stand: And we will, and must, mean it when we say ‘We won’t take it any more.’”
If we want principled, courageous elected officials, we need to be principled, courageous, and tenacious ourselves. History has demonstrated that our elected officials are not the leaders – the leadership has to come from us. If we don’t insist, if we don’t persist, then we are not living up to our responsibilities as citizens in a democracy – and our responsibilities as moral human beings. If we remain silent, we signal to Congress and the Bush administration – and to candidates running for office – and to the world – that we support the status quo.
Silence is complicity. Only by standing up for what’s right and never letting down can we say we are doing our part. Our government, on the basis of a campaign we now know was entirely fraudulent, attacked and militarily occupied a nation that posed no danger to the United States. Our government, acting in our name, has caused immense, unjustified death and destruction.
It all started five years ago, yet where have we, the American people, been? At this point, we are responsible. We get together once in a while at demonstrations and complain about Bush and Cheney, about Congress, and about the pathetic news media. We point fingers and yell a lot. Then most people politely go away until another demonstration a few months later. How many people can honestly say they have spent as much time learning about and opposing the outrages of the Bush administration as they have spent watching sports or mindless television programs during the past five years? Escapist, time-sapping sports and insipid entertainment have indeed become the opiate of the masses.
Why is this country so sound asleep? Why do we abide what is happening to our nation, to our Constitution, to the cause of peace and international law and order? Why are we not doing all in our power to put an end to this madness? We should be in the streets regularly and students should be raising hell on our campuses. We should be making it clear in every way possible that apologies or convoluted, disingenuous explanations just don’t cut it when presidential candidates and so many others voted to authorize George Bush and his neo-con buddies to send American men and women to attack and occupy Iraq.
Let’s awaken, and wake up the country by committing here and now to do all each of us can to take our nation back. Let them hear us across the country, as we ask others to join us: “We won’t take it any more!”
I implore you: Draw a line. Figure out exactly where your own moral breaking point is. How much will you put up with before you say “No more” and mean it?
I have drawn my line as a matter of simple personal morality: I cannot, and will not, support any candidate who has voted to fund the atrocities in Iraq. I cannot, and will not, support any candidate who will not commit to remove all US troops, as soon as possible, from Iraq. I cannot, and will not, support any candidate who has supported legislation that takes us one step closer to attacking Iran. I cannot, and will not, support any candidate who has not fought to stop the kidnapping, disappearances, and torture being carried on in our name.
If we expect our nation’s elected officials to take us seriously, let us send a powerful message they cannot misunderstand. Let them know we really do have our moral breaking point. Let them know we have drawn a bright line. Let them know they cannot take our support for granted – that, regardless of their party and regardless of other political considerations, they will not have our support if they cannot provide, and have not provided, principled leadership.
The people of this nation may have been far too quiet for five years, but let us pledge that we won’t let it go on one more day – that we will do all we can to put an end to the illegalities, the moral degradation, and the disintegration of our nation’s reputation in the world.
Let us be unified in drawing the line – in declaring that we do have a moral breaking point. Let us insist, together, in supporting our troops and in gratitude for the freedoms for which our veterans gave so much, that we bring our troops home from Iraq, that we return our government to a constitutional democracy, and that we commit to honoring the fundamentalprinciples of human rights.
In defense of our country, in defense of our Constitution, in defense of our shared values as Americans – and as moral human beings – we declare today that we will fight in every way possible to stop the insanity, stop the continued military occupation of Iraq, and stop the moral depravity reflected by the kidnapping, disappearing, and torture of people around the world.
October 27, 2007
City & County Building, Salt Lake City, Utah
---------------------------------------------------------
Today, as we come together once again in this great city, we raise our voices in unison to say to President Bush, to Vice President Cheney, to other members of the Bush Administration (past and present), to a majority of Congress, including Utah’s entire congressional delegation, and to much of the mainstream media: “You have failed us miserably and we won’t take it any more.”
“While we had every reason to expect far more of you, you have been pompous, greedy, cruel, and incompetent as you have led this great nation to a moral, military, and national security abyss.”
“You have breached trust with the American people in the most egregious ways. You have utterly failed in the performance of your jobs. You have undermined our Constitution, permitted the violation of the most fundamental treaty obligations, and betrayed the rule of law.”
“You have engaged in, or permitted, heinous human rights abuses of the sort never before countenanced in our nation’s history as a matter of official policy. You have sent American men and women to kill and be killed on the basis of lies, on the basis of shifting justifications, without competent leadership, and without even a coherent plan for this monumental blunder.”
“We are here to tell you: We won’t take it any more!”
“You have acted in direct contravention of values that we, as Americans who love our country, hold dear. You have deceived us in the most cynical, outrageous ways. You have undermined, or allowed the undermining of, our constitutional system of checks and balances among the three presumed co-equal branches of government. You have helped lead our nation to the brink of fascism, of a dictatorship contemptuous of our nation’s treaty obligations, federal statutory law, our Constitution, and the rule of law.”
“Because of you, and because of your jingoistic false ‘patriotism,’ our world is far more dangerous, our nation is far more despised, and the threat of terrorism is far greater than ever before. It has been absolutely astounding how you have committed the most horrendous acts, causing such needless tragedy in the lives of millions of people, yet you wear your so-called religion on your sleeves, asserting your God-is-on-my-side nonsense – when what you have done flies in the face of any religious or humanitarian tradition. Your hypocrisy is mind-boggling – and disgraceful. What part of “Thou shalt not kill” do you not understand? What part of the “Golden rule” do you not understand? What part of “be honest,” “be responsible,” and “be accountable” don’t you understand? What part of “Blessed are the peacekeepers” do you not understand? Because of you, hundreds of thousands of people have been killed, many thousands of people have suffered horrendous lifetime injuries, and millions have been run off from their homes. For the sake of our nation, for the sake of our children, and for the sake of our brothers and sisters around the world, we are morally compelled to say, as loudly as we can, ‘We won’t take it any more!’ ”
“As United States agents kidnap, disappear, and torture human beings around the world, you justify, you deceive, and you cover up. We find what you have done to men, women and children, and to the good name and reputation of the United States, so appalling, so unconscionable, and so outrageous as to compel us to call upon you to step aside and allow other men and women who are competent, true to our nation’s values, and with high moral principles to stand in your places – for the good of our nation, for the good of our children, and for the good of our world.”
In the case of the President and Vice President, this means impeachment and removal from office, without any further delay from a complacent, complicit Congress, the Democratic majority of which cares more about political gain in 2008 than it does about the vindication of our Constitution, the rule of law, and democratic accountability. It means the election of people as President and Vice President who, unlike most of the presidential candidates from both major parties, have not aided and abetted in the perpetration of the illegal, tragic, devastating invasion and occupation of Iraq. And it means the election of people as President and Vice President who will commit to return our nation to the moral and strategic imperative of refraining from torturing human beings.
In the case of the majority of Congress, it means electing people who are diligent enough to learn the facts, including reading available National Intelligence Estimates, before voting to go to war. It means electing to Congress men and women who will jealously guard Congress’s sole prerogative to declare war. It means electing to Congress men and women who will not submit like vapid lap dogs to presidential requests for blank checks to engage in so-called preemptive wars, for legislation permitting warrantless wiretapping of communications involving US citizens, and for dangerous, irresponsible, saber-rattling legislation like the recent Kyl-Lieberman amendment.
We must avoid the trap of focusing the blame solely upon President Bush and Vice-President Cheney. This is not just about a few people who have wronged our country – and the world. They were enabled by members of both parties in Congress, they were enabled by the pathetic mainstream news media, and, ultimately, they have been enabled by the American people – 40% of whom are so ill-informed they still think Iraq was behind the 9/11 attacks – a people who know and care more about baseball statistics and which drunken starlets are wearing underwear than they know and care about the atrocities being committed every single day in our name by a government for which we need to take responsibility. As loyal Americans, without regard to political partisanship -- as veterans, as teachers, as religious leaders, as working men and women, as students, as professionals, as businesspeople, as public servants, as retirees, as people of all ages, races, ethnic origins, sexual orientations, and faiths -- we are here to say to the Bush administration, to the majority of Congress, and to the mainstream media: “You have violated your solemn responsibilities. You have undermined our democracy, spat upon our Constitution, and engaged in outrageous, despicable acts. You have brought our nation to a point of immorality, inhumanity, and illegality of immense, tragic, unprecedented proportions.”
“But we will live up to our responsibilities as citizens, as brothers and sisters of those who have suffered as a result of the imperial bullying of the United States government, and as moral actors who must take a stand: And we will, and must, mean it when we say ‘We won’t take it any more.’”
If we want principled, courageous elected officials, we need to be principled, courageous, and tenacious ourselves. History has demonstrated that our elected officials are not the leaders – the leadership has to come from us. If we don’t insist, if we don’t persist, then we are not living up to our responsibilities as citizens in a democracy – and our responsibilities as moral human beings. If we remain silent, we signal to Congress and the Bush administration – and to candidates running for office – and to the world – that we support the status quo.
Silence is complicity. Only by standing up for what’s right and never letting down can we say we are doing our part. Our government, on the basis of a campaign we now know was entirely fraudulent, attacked and militarily occupied a nation that posed no danger to the United States. Our government, acting in our name, has caused immense, unjustified death and destruction.
It all started five years ago, yet where have we, the American people, been? At this point, we are responsible. We get together once in a while at demonstrations and complain about Bush and Cheney, about Congress, and about the pathetic news media. We point fingers and yell a lot. Then most people politely go away until another demonstration a few months later. How many people can honestly say they have spent as much time learning about and opposing the outrages of the Bush administration as they have spent watching sports or mindless television programs during the past five years? Escapist, time-sapping sports and insipid entertainment have indeed become the opiate of the masses.
Why is this country so sound asleep? Why do we abide what is happening to our nation, to our Constitution, to the cause of peace and international law and order? Why are we not doing all in our power to put an end to this madness? We should be in the streets regularly and students should be raising hell on our campuses. We should be making it clear in every way possible that apologies or convoluted, disingenuous explanations just don’t cut it when presidential candidates and so many others voted to authorize George Bush and his neo-con buddies to send American men and women to attack and occupy Iraq.
Let’s awaken, and wake up the country by committing here and now to do all each of us can to take our nation back. Let them hear us across the country, as we ask others to join us: “We won’t take it any more!”
I implore you: Draw a line. Figure out exactly where your own moral breaking point is. How much will you put up with before you say “No more” and mean it?
I have drawn my line as a matter of simple personal morality: I cannot, and will not, support any candidate who has voted to fund the atrocities in Iraq. I cannot, and will not, support any candidate who will not commit to remove all US troops, as soon as possible, from Iraq. I cannot, and will not, support any candidate who has supported legislation that takes us one step closer to attacking Iran. I cannot, and will not, support any candidate who has not fought to stop the kidnapping, disappearances, and torture being carried on in our name.
If we expect our nation’s elected officials to take us seriously, let us send a powerful message they cannot misunderstand. Let them know we really do have our moral breaking point. Let them know we have drawn a bright line. Let them know they cannot take our support for granted – that, regardless of their party and regardless of other political considerations, they will not have our support if they cannot provide, and have not provided, principled leadership.
The people of this nation may have been far too quiet for five years, but let us pledge that we won’t let it go on one more day – that we will do all we can to put an end to the illegalities, the moral degradation, and the disintegration of our nation’s reputation in the world.
Let us be unified in drawing the line – in declaring that we do have a moral breaking point. Let us insist, together, in supporting our troops and in gratitude for the freedoms for which our veterans gave so much, that we bring our troops home from Iraq, that we return our government to a constitutional democracy, and that we commit to honoring the fundamentalprinciples of human rights.
In defense of our country, in defense of our Constitution, in defense of our shared values as Americans – and as moral human beings – we declare today that we will fight in every way possible to stop the insanity, stop the continued military occupation of Iraq, and stop the moral depravity reflected by the kidnapping, disappearing, and torture of people around the world.
Friday, November 2, 2007
My Speech at Matt's wedding
A few folks mentioned that they liked my speech at Matt's wedding so I used my notes and some video recordings to recompile it here.
INTRO
Good evening Ladies and gentlemen. My name is Ardi Mekanik. I have the honor and privilege of being Matt’s best man so in time honored tradition I wanted to take the time to say a few words tonight.
THANKS
First of all, I want to thank Marty, Carrie, Chris, Mike, & Nancy. You guys raised these crazy kids and if wasn’t for you, I’d be in a cubicle crunching code right now. So thanks for the vacation. You can take comfort in the fact that very soon, Matt and Diane will know, first hand, what they put you through and maybe then, they’ll have a little more appreciation for your dedication and sacrifices as parents.
I’d also like to thank another group, who quite frankly has had it fairly easy today. All they really had to do was stand around pouting and looking pretty and worrying about their hair, their make up, and their outfits and without them, the day just wouldn’t have been complete. I am, of course, talking about your groomsmen Andy, Mike, and Khasha.
Stephanie, Joy, Jamie, & Riley … you guys look stunning and you’ve done a great job supporting and helping Diane in the last few days.
I want to thank Kelly for stepping up and performing the ceremony. I think I can say with complete confidence that I’m the ONLY best man in the history of the world who has walked in on the wedding minister getting busy in a burger king bathroom.
I think you will all agree that Diane looks one in a million today ...as opposed to Matt who looks like he was won in a raffle. Gentlemen, today is a sad day for single men, as another beauty leaves the available list. And ladies, I’m sure you’ll agree that today’s passing by without much of a ripple.
THE BEGINNING
Now most of you have probably heard the story of how Matt and Diane met. But I’d like to give you my version of it. The truth is, I wasn’t with Matt the night he met Diane. I was tiered after a long day of playing ball and chose to stay home and relax with Jen and a few other friends. I sometimes wonder what might have happened if I rolled out with Matt that night. Chances are, Diane would have been mesmerized by my devastating good looks and … stop laughing! … and Matt would have had no chance of charming or consoling her when she found out I was already taken.
What I do remember very well, however, is the look on Matt's face when he came home that night and told me about some beautiful girl he met in Chelan as they both snuck into a packed bar through a side window. I often wondered if Matt could ever find someone who could match his spontaneity and sense of adventure. I hadn’t met Diane yet but this sounded like Matt’s kind of girl. When she came over to our Condo the next night, I KNEW this was the girl for Matt. She was radiant, pleasant, confident, and adventurous. She even went swimming in the freezing cold Columbia river at midnight. Something that even most guys in our group didn’t have the heart for. She had me at “Hello”.
ROAST
Now some of you might think that you know Matt well. You think you know. But you have no idea. I’m gonna try to give you guys a better insight into his complex character over the next few minutes and maybe also make them the most uncomfortable few minutes of his life. For the record, the most uncomfortable few minutes of Diane's life will be coming later on this evening, courtesy of Matt.
To be honest, I was a little worried about giving this speech tonight. I didn’t want to divulge too much detail about Matt’s colorful past especially since I have played a part in most of his debauchery, and I really don't want to tarnish my own impeccable reputation. So I decided to leave out anything from Matt’s past that might be offensive or embarrassing and instead talk about his great accomplishments … Then, I realized that would be a pretty short speech.
Matt was born a pudgy, happy kid. If you look at his baby pictures you’ll see what I mean. Stout, robust, basically shaped like a butt plug.
In pre-school, Matt was different than the other 5 year olds. He was 11.
In Middle School, he decided to start playing football. The coaches tried him at every single position and found him to be useless at all of them. Hopefully Diane will have better luck.
In High School, he became even more involved in sports. I'm not sure what position he played. I think the coach called him one of the team's Drawback’s. Must have been some old Wing-T offense or something.
In College, Matt got a reputation for being obnoxious and arrogant. But now he’s the exact opposite. He’s arrogant and obnoxious.
After graduation, Matt struggled for a while to find his place in the world. He was afraid nobody would remember him when he’s gone. Now I can think of SEVERAL reasons he’ll be remembered. He wouldn’t like any of them, but I assure you buddy, you’ll be remembered.
Actually, while enjoying the service this afternoon, I couldn’t help thinking that it’s funny how history repeats itself. I mean 25 years ago Diane’s parents were sending her to bed with a dummy … and here they are again today.
I also got a couple of telegrams here which I’d like to read:
Matty, good luck on your wedding day. We’ll miss you. Also congrats on winning the “Big Spender of the Month” award, again. Sincerely, the Fantasy Lounge Dancers.
Matt. I wish you and your bride the very best. I hope the bed wetting episodes have subsided.
Signed. Dr. Trevor, SanDiego Psychiatric Clinic.
RESPECT
I first met Matt playing volleyball at UW. My first impression was that he was cocky & short tempered with a venomous tongue and too much common sense. And frankly this was a deadly combination. When you’re short tempered and have a lot of common sense, the silliness of others will quickly infuriate you. And if you say what’s on your mind, harshly, you can rub a lot of people the wrong way. There’s no middle ground with this guy—you either hate him or detest him. But I didn’t’ care. Matt was my kind of guy. We quickly forged a solid friendship based on our love for sports, travel, and adventure.
Before I met Matt, I had a separate group of friends for everything I did. But in Matt, I found someone who did all the things I loved, just A LOT better. We became a 2 man team and were pretty inseparable in our twenties. Jen still calls Matt my “Boyfriend” and I’m quite confident I’ve shared more beds with him than even Diane. The years we spent battling and growing in the trenches were the best years of my life.
How many times did we come this close to killing ourselves or each other?
How many times did we find something that scared the hell out us but did it anyway?
How many times did we tolerate unbearable pain just to finish something we started?
How much tape, tiger balm, ben-gay, Gatorade, redbull, and pain killers did we go through?
How many tents, motel rooms, and beach bungalows did we sleep in?
What my friendship with Matt offered me, was a chance to be become a better person. Not just in sports, but in life. And when 2 people can become greater than the sum of their talents, that’s a rare and beautiful thing. Chemistry, synergy, team-work. Call it what you want but I think that is the core of our friendship. And I’m grateful to Matt for allowing me to experience that.
If a man is extremely lucky, he might, perhaps, once in his lifetime make a friend of such high caliber that he gradually comes to view, judge, & measure himself through that friends eyes. And he will find strength and solace in maintaining that friends respect. That friend, in essence, becomes his ego. He becomes the little voice inside his head that tells him to pick it up when he's slacking, clean it up when he's messy, and pack it up when it's time to go home. For me, that friend is Matt Sherrill.
Matt has grown and matured to be an even better man and better friend than when we first met and, Diane, you have ME to thank for that. I only have 3 people on speed dial. My wife, My Brother, and Matt.
Matty, you're the best thing that ever happened to my character and the worst thing that ever happened to my health.
BRIDE
So you can imagine my pain and surprise when Matt announced that he’s moving to California with Diane. Even though I was sad, I offered to help Matt drive the U-Haul truck and their 2 cars down to SanDiego. This might seem like a kind and generous gesture. But don’t be fooled. I was selfish. I just wanted to squeeze in one last road trip with my best friend because I wasn’t sure what the future held.
Truth be told, as I’ve gotten to know Diane better over the years, I understand why Matt has decided to make this commitment to her. She is beautiful, down to earth, and can match Matt’s venom bite for bite. Diane, you make Matt happy, and that makes me happy. I will always love you like my own sister.
ADVICE
Now Kids, since it’s your wedding day, I'd like to leave you with a few thoughts. Matty, I’m not sure you have anywhere to put it so Diane, sweetheart, do me a favor and remember these.
1. First, set the ground rules. Establish who the boss is and then do everything she says.
2. Married life can be a lot like football. So be fully committed every week and try to score every weekend. However, Diane assures me that playing away from home will result in serious groin injury and is definitely the quickest way to get traded.
3. Remember the 5 rings: the engagement ring, the wedding ring, the suffering, the torturing and the enduring.
4. Don’t forget … If you buy her flowers, she’ll know you’re guilty.
5. Diane, for what it is worth, the male species CAN get it right sometimes.
6. And Matty, remember, Women are meant to be loved, not understood.
TOAST
It has been an honor and a privilege to be the best man today. Thanks again for letting me have the job! And I honestly couldn’t wish for a better friend to be best man for.
I think you will all agree that today Matt is truly best man and Diane, let me assure you, you’re not just the most stunning person in the room, you’re also the luckiest.
My wish is that your marriage will be a thing of beauty and a joy forever, always as beautiful as Diane looks today. And may your love for each other be modern enough to survive the times but old-fashioned enough to last forever. May it grow with each year and each child you bring into this world.
Folks please raise your glasses and let’s toast these two crazy kids.
May you never lie, never cheat, and never drink too much. But if you must lie, may you lie with each other. And if you must cheat, may you cheat death & pain. And if you must drink, well … drink with us for we all love you and wish you both the love and happiness which you deserve.
Here’s to the bride and groom.
INTRO
Good evening Ladies and gentlemen. My name is Ardi Mekanik. I have the honor and privilege of being Matt’s best man so in time honored tradition I wanted to take the time to say a few words tonight.
THANKS
First of all, I want to thank Marty, Carrie, Chris, Mike, & Nancy. You guys raised these crazy kids and if wasn’t for you, I’d be in a cubicle crunching code right now. So thanks for the vacation. You can take comfort in the fact that very soon, Matt and Diane will know, first hand, what they put you through and maybe then, they’ll have a little more appreciation for your dedication and sacrifices as parents.
I’d also like to thank another group, who quite frankly has had it fairly easy today. All they really had to do was stand around pouting and looking pretty and worrying about their hair, their make up, and their outfits and without them, the day just wouldn’t have been complete. I am, of course, talking about your groomsmen Andy, Mike, and Khasha.
Stephanie, Joy, Jamie, & Riley … you guys look stunning and you’ve done a great job supporting and helping Diane in the last few days.
I want to thank Kelly for stepping up and performing the ceremony. I think I can say with complete confidence that I’m the ONLY best man in the history of the world who has walked in on the wedding minister getting busy in a burger king bathroom.
I think you will all agree that Diane looks one in a million today ...as opposed to Matt who looks like he was won in a raffle. Gentlemen, today is a sad day for single men, as another beauty leaves the available list. And ladies, I’m sure you’ll agree that today’s passing by without much of a ripple.
THE BEGINNING
Now most of you have probably heard the story of how Matt and Diane met. But I’d like to give you my version of it. The truth is, I wasn’t with Matt the night he met Diane. I was tiered after a long day of playing ball and chose to stay home and relax with Jen and a few other friends. I sometimes wonder what might have happened if I rolled out with Matt that night. Chances are, Diane would have been mesmerized by my devastating good looks and … stop laughing! … and Matt would have had no chance of charming or consoling her when she found out I was already taken.
What I do remember very well, however, is the look on Matt's face when he came home that night and told me about some beautiful girl he met in Chelan as they both snuck into a packed bar through a side window. I often wondered if Matt could ever find someone who could match his spontaneity and sense of adventure. I hadn’t met Diane yet but this sounded like Matt’s kind of girl. When she came over to our Condo the next night, I KNEW this was the girl for Matt. She was radiant, pleasant, confident, and adventurous. She even went swimming in the freezing cold Columbia river at midnight. Something that even most guys in our group didn’t have the heart for. She had me at “Hello”.
ROAST
Now some of you might think that you know Matt well. You think you know. But you have no idea. I’m gonna try to give you guys a better insight into his complex character over the next few minutes and maybe also make them the most uncomfortable few minutes of his life. For the record, the most uncomfortable few minutes of Diane's life will be coming later on this evening, courtesy of Matt.
To be honest, I was a little worried about giving this speech tonight. I didn’t want to divulge too much detail about Matt’s colorful past especially since I have played a part in most of his debauchery, and I really don't want to tarnish my own impeccable reputation. So I decided to leave out anything from Matt’s past that might be offensive or embarrassing and instead talk about his great accomplishments … Then, I realized that would be a pretty short speech.
Matt was born a pudgy, happy kid. If you look at his baby pictures you’ll see what I mean. Stout, robust, basically shaped like a butt plug.
In pre-school, Matt was different than the other 5 year olds. He was 11.
In Middle School, he decided to start playing football. The coaches tried him at every single position and found him to be useless at all of them. Hopefully Diane will have better luck.
In High School, he became even more involved in sports. I'm not sure what position he played. I think the coach called him one of the team's Drawback’s. Must have been some old Wing-T offense or something.
In College, Matt got a reputation for being obnoxious and arrogant. But now he’s the exact opposite. He’s arrogant and obnoxious.
After graduation, Matt struggled for a while to find his place in the world. He was afraid nobody would remember him when he’s gone. Now I can think of SEVERAL reasons he’ll be remembered. He wouldn’t like any of them, but I assure you buddy, you’ll be remembered.
Actually, while enjoying the service this afternoon, I couldn’t help thinking that it’s funny how history repeats itself. I mean 25 years ago Diane’s parents were sending her to bed with a dummy … and here they are again today.
I also got a couple of telegrams here which I’d like to read:
Matty, good luck on your wedding day. We’ll miss you. Also congrats on winning the “Big Spender of the Month” award, again. Sincerely, the Fantasy Lounge Dancers.
Matt. I wish you and your bride the very best. I hope the bed wetting episodes have subsided.
Signed. Dr. Trevor, SanDiego Psychiatric Clinic.
RESPECT
I first met Matt playing volleyball at UW. My first impression was that he was cocky & short tempered with a venomous tongue and too much common sense. And frankly this was a deadly combination. When you’re short tempered and have a lot of common sense, the silliness of others will quickly infuriate you. And if you say what’s on your mind, harshly, you can rub a lot of people the wrong way. There’s no middle ground with this guy—you either hate him or detest him. But I didn’t’ care. Matt was my kind of guy. We quickly forged a solid friendship based on our love for sports, travel, and adventure.
Before I met Matt, I had a separate group of friends for everything I did. But in Matt, I found someone who did all the things I loved, just A LOT better. We became a 2 man team and were pretty inseparable in our twenties. Jen still calls Matt my “Boyfriend” and I’m quite confident I’ve shared more beds with him than even Diane. The years we spent battling and growing in the trenches were the best years of my life.
How many times did we come this close to killing ourselves or each other?
How many times did we find something that scared the hell out us but did it anyway?
How many times did we tolerate unbearable pain just to finish something we started?
How much tape, tiger balm, ben-gay, Gatorade, redbull, and pain killers did we go through?
How many tents, motel rooms, and beach bungalows did we sleep in?
What my friendship with Matt offered me, was a chance to be become a better person. Not just in sports, but in life. And when 2 people can become greater than the sum of their talents, that’s a rare and beautiful thing. Chemistry, synergy, team-work. Call it what you want but I think that is the core of our friendship. And I’m grateful to Matt for allowing me to experience that.
If a man is extremely lucky, he might, perhaps, once in his lifetime make a friend of such high caliber that he gradually comes to view, judge, & measure himself through that friends eyes. And he will find strength and solace in maintaining that friends respect. That friend, in essence, becomes his ego. He becomes the little voice inside his head that tells him to pick it up when he's slacking, clean it up when he's messy, and pack it up when it's time to go home. For me, that friend is Matt Sherrill.
Matt has grown and matured to be an even better man and better friend than when we first met and, Diane, you have ME to thank for that. I only have 3 people on speed dial. My wife, My Brother, and Matt.
Matty, you're the best thing that ever happened to my character and the worst thing that ever happened to my health.
BRIDE
So you can imagine my pain and surprise when Matt announced that he’s moving to California with Diane. Even though I was sad, I offered to help Matt drive the U-Haul truck and their 2 cars down to SanDiego. This might seem like a kind and generous gesture. But don’t be fooled. I was selfish. I just wanted to squeeze in one last road trip with my best friend because I wasn’t sure what the future held.
Truth be told, as I’ve gotten to know Diane better over the years, I understand why Matt has decided to make this commitment to her. She is beautiful, down to earth, and can match Matt’s venom bite for bite. Diane, you make Matt happy, and that makes me happy. I will always love you like my own sister.
ADVICE
Now Kids, since it’s your wedding day, I'd like to leave you with a few thoughts. Matty, I’m not sure you have anywhere to put it so Diane, sweetheart, do me a favor and remember these.
1. First, set the ground rules. Establish who the boss is and then do everything she says.
2. Married life can be a lot like football. So be fully committed every week and try to score every weekend. However, Diane assures me that playing away from home will result in serious groin injury and is definitely the quickest way to get traded.
3. Remember the 5 rings: the engagement ring, the wedding ring, the suffering, the torturing and the enduring.
4. Don’t forget … If you buy her flowers, she’ll know you’re guilty.
5. Diane, for what it is worth, the male species CAN get it right sometimes.
6. And Matty, remember, Women are meant to be loved, not understood.
TOAST
It has been an honor and a privilege to be the best man today. Thanks again for letting me have the job! And I honestly couldn’t wish for a better friend to be best man for.
I think you will all agree that today Matt is truly best man and Diane, let me assure you, you’re not just the most stunning person in the room, you’re also the luckiest.
My wish is that your marriage will be a thing of beauty and a joy forever, always as beautiful as Diane looks today. And may your love for each other be modern enough to survive the times but old-fashioned enough to last forever. May it grow with each year and each child you bring into this world.
Folks please raise your glasses and let’s toast these two crazy kids.
May you never lie, never cheat, and never drink too much. But if you must lie, may you lie with each other. And if you must cheat, may you cheat death & pain. And if you must drink, well … drink with us for we all love you and wish you both the love and happiness which you deserve.
Here’s to the bride and groom.
Broadway Joe
When I think of Joe Namath I usually picture him limping on and off the field toward the end of his carrer. Somtimes we forget what a great athlete he was.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
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