INTRO
Good evening Ladies and gentlemen. My name is Ardi Mekanik. I have the honor and privilege of being Matt’s best man so in time honored tradition I wanted to take the time to say a few words tonight.
THANKS
First of all, I want to thank Marty, Carrie, Chris, Mike, & Nancy. You guys raised these crazy kids and if wasn’t for you, I’d be in a cubicle crunching code right now. So thanks for the vacation. You can take comfort in the fact that very soon, Matt and Diane will know, first hand, what they put you through and maybe then, they’ll have a little more appreciation for your dedication and sacrifices as parents.
I’d also like to thank another group, who quite frankly has had it fairly easy today. All they really had to do was stand around pouting and looking pretty and worrying about their hair, their make up, and their outfits and without them, the day just wouldn’t have been complete. I am, of course, talking about your groomsmen Andy, Mike, and Khasha.
Stephanie, Joy, Jamie, & Riley … you guys look stunning and you’ve done a great job supporting and helping Diane in the last few days.
I want to thank Kelly for stepping up and performing the ceremony. I think I can say with complete confidence that I’m the ONLY best man in the history of the world who has walked in on the wedding minister getting busy in a burger king bathroom.
I think you will all agree that Diane looks one in a million today ...as opposed to Matt who looks like he was won in a raffle. Gentlemen, today is a sad day for single men, as another beauty leaves the available list. And ladies, I’m sure you’ll agree that today’s passing by without much of a ripple.
THE BEGINNING
Now most of you have probably heard the story of how Matt and Diane met. But I’d like to give you my version of it. The truth is, I wasn’t with Matt the night he met Diane. I was tiered after a long day of playing ball and chose to stay home and relax with Jen and a few other friends. I sometimes wonder what might have happened if I rolled out with Matt that night. Chances are, Diane would have been mesmerized by my devastating good looks and … stop laughing! … and Matt would have had no chance of charming or consoling her when she found out I was already taken.
What I do remember very well, however, is the look on Matt's face when he came home that night and told me about some beautiful girl he met in Chelan as they both snuck into a packed bar through a side window. I often wondered if Matt could ever find someone who could match his spontaneity and sense of adventure. I hadn’t met Diane yet but this sounded like Matt’s kind of girl. When she came over to our Condo the next night, I KNEW this was the girl for Matt. She was radiant, pleasant, confident, and adventurous. She even went swimming in the freezing cold Columbia river at midnight. Something that even most guys in our group didn’t have the heart for. She had me at “Hello”.
ROAST
Now some of you might think that you know Matt well. You think you know. But you have no idea. I’m gonna try to give you guys a better insight into his complex character over the next few minutes and maybe also make them the most uncomfortable few minutes of his life. For the record, the most uncomfortable few minutes of Diane's life will be coming later on this evening, courtesy of Matt.
To be honest, I was a little worried about giving this speech tonight. I didn’t want to divulge too much detail about Matt’s colorful past especially since I have played a part in most of his debauchery, and I really don't want to tarnish my own impeccable reputation. So I decided to leave out anything from Matt’s past that might be offensive or embarrassing and instead talk about his great accomplishments … Then, I realized that would be a pretty short speech.
Matt was born a pudgy, happy kid. If you look at his baby pictures you’ll see what I mean. Stout, robust, basically shaped like a butt plug.
In pre-school, Matt was different than the other 5 year olds. He was 11.
In Middle School, he decided to start playing football. The coaches tried him at every single position and found him to be useless at all of them. Hopefully Diane will have better luck.
In High School, he became even more involved in sports. I'm not sure what position he played. I think the coach called him one of the team's Drawback’s. Must have been some old Wing-T offense or something.
In College, Matt got a reputation for being obnoxious and arrogant. But now he’s the exact opposite. He’s arrogant and obnoxious.
After graduation, Matt struggled for a while to find his place in the world. He was afraid nobody would remember him when he’s gone. Now I can think of SEVERAL reasons he’ll be remembered. He wouldn’t like any of them, but I assure you buddy, you’ll be remembered.
Actually, while enjoying the service this afternoon, I couldn’t help thinking that it’s funny how history repeats itself. I mean 25 years ago Diane’s parents were sending her to bed with a dummy … and here they are again today.
I also got a couple of telegrams here which I’d like to read:
Matty, good luck on your wedding day. We’ll miss you. Also congrats on winning the “Big Spender of the Month” award, again. Sincerely, the Fantasy Lounge Dancers.
Matt. I wish you and your bride the very best. I hope the bed wetting episodes have subsided.
Signed. Dr. Trevor, SanDiego Psychiatric Clinic.
RESPECT
I first met Matt playing volleyball at UW. My first impression was that he was cocky & short tempered with a venomous tongue and too much common sense. And frankly this was a deadly combination. When you’re short tempered and have a lot of common sense, the silliness of others will quickly infuriate you. And if you say what’s on your mind, harshly, you can rub a lot of people the wrong way. There’s no middle ground with this guy—you either hate him or detest him. But I didn’t’ care. Matt was my kind of guy. We quickly forged a solid friendship based on our love for sports, travel, and adventure.
Before I met Matt, I had a separate group of friends for everything I did. But in Matt, I found someone who did all the things I loved, just A LOT better. We became a 2 man team and were pretty inseparable in our twenties. Jen still calls Matt my “Boyfriend” and I’m quite confident I’ve shared more beds with him than even Diane. The years we spent battling and growing in the trenches were the best years of my life.
How many times did we come this close to killing ourselves or each other?
How many times did we find something that scared the hell out us but did it anyway?
How many times did we tolerate unbearable pain just to finish something we started?
How much tape, tiger balm, ben-gay, Gatorade, redbull, and pain killers did we go through?
How many tents, motel rooms, and beach bungalows did we sleep in?
What my friendship with Matt offered me, was a chance to be become a better person. Not just in sports, but in life. And when 2 people can become greater than the sum of their talents, that’s a rare and beautiful thing. Chemistry, synergy, team-work. Call it what you want but I think that is the core of our friendship. And I’m grateful to Matt for allowing me to experience that.
If a man is extremely lucky, he might, perhaps, once in his lifetime make a friend of such high caliber that he gradually comes to view, judge, & measure himself through that friends eyes. And he will find strength and solace in maintaining that friends respect. That friend, in essence, becomes his ego. He becomes the little voice inside his head that tells him to pick it up when he's slacking, clean it up when he's messy, and pack it up when it's time to go home. For me, that friend is Matt Sherrill.
Matt has grown and matured to be an even better man and better friend than when we first met and, Diane, you have ME to thank for that. I only have 3 people on speed dial. My wife, My Brother, and Matt.
Matty, you're the best thing that ever happened to my character and the worst thing that ever happened to my health.
BRIDE
So you can imagine my pain and surprise when Matt announced that he’s moving to California with Diane. Even though I was sad, I offered to help Matt drive the U-Haul truck and their 2 cars down to SanDiego. This might seem like a kind and generous gesture. But don’t be fooled. I was selfish. I just wanted to squeeze in one last road trip with my best friend because I wasn’t sure what the future held.
Truth be told, as I’ve gotten to know Diane better over the years, I understand why Matt has decided to make this commitment to her. She is beautiful, down to earth, and can match Matt’s venom bite for bite. Diane, you make Matt happy, and that makes me happy. I will always love you like my own sister.
ADVICE
Now Kids, since it’s your wedding day, I'd like to leave you with a few thoughts. Matty, I’m not sure you have anywhere to put it so Diane, sweetheart, do me a favor and remember these.
1. First, set the ground rules. Establish who the boss is and then do everything she says.
2. Married life can be a lot like football. So be fully committed every week and try to score every weekend. However, Diane assures me that playing away from home will result in serious groin injury and is definitely the quickest way to get traded.
3. Remember the 5 rings: the engagement ring, the wedding ring, the suffering, the torturing and the enduring.
4. Don’t forget … If you buy her flowers, she’ll know you’re guilty.
5. Diane, for what it is worth, the male species CAN get it right sometimes.
6. And Matty, remember, Women are meant to be loved, not understood.
TOAST
It has been an honor and a privilege to be the best man today. Thanks again for letting me have the job! And I honestly couldn’t wish for a better friend to be best man for.
I think you will all agree that today Matt is truly best man and Diane, let me assure you, you’re not just the most stunning person in the room, you’re also the luckiest.
My wish is that your marriage will be a thing of beauty and a joy forever, always as beautiful as Diane looks today. And may your love for each other be modern enough to survive the times but old-fashioned enough to last forever. May it grow with each year and each child you bring into this world.
Folks please raise your glasses and let’s toast these two crazy kids.
May you never lie, never cheat, and never drink too much. But if you must lie, may you lie with each other. And if you must cheat, may you cheat death & pain. And if you must drink, well … drink with us for we all love you and wish you both the love and happiness which you deserve.
Here’s to the bride and groom.
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