So much has happened in the past few days. I'm not sure where to begin. I've been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster ride but I think I can probably settle down long enough to wrap up this trip report.
After my last post we headed down to a club called "Conferia" which had advertized house music on one of the flyers the fellas got handed. The guys caught a nice buzz over dinner at DNA while I stayed sober so I can drive them around. We roll down to the joint and it's a pretty cool looking spot. Designed sort of in the tradition of the old Jamaican dance halls. A big dinner area, comfy lounge / lobby, and a nice dance room with a big bar. Only problem is, it's Samba night. Matt is very irritated by this apparent "Switch and Bait". I don't mind it so much. I spend some time with a chef/jiu jitsu fighter and a Hotel Hostess from Puerto Alegre. They're cool people and we have fun chatting and dancing. I'm not sure where it happened but Paul and Kelly are gone. Matt's slurring as he comes to the lobby where I was kicking back with my new friends and he's very irate at the music and our missing friends. It's getting late and Matt looks on the verge of commiting a crime so I say goodbye to my friends and we take off.
We're both starving so we stop off at a late night joint. We order salads, get hot dogs (with no meat), send it back, and then take off because we think they're going to spit in our food. We find another food shack closer to home. As we sit down a group of vampires (I don't know what else to call them) sit down at our table uninvited. I don't know what it is about these girls but they creep the fuck out of me. They have nice bodies but I suddenly feel like I'm in a scene from interview with a vampire. I go inside and pay Matt and my bill in advance. Then I come back out and a new vampire is sitting in my seat. I tell Matt to eat as fast as he can and although he's drunk, having fun, and oblivious to my freaking out he follows my lead and we jet out pronto. I think maybe more than anything I was scared of seeing the sun and hearing the morning birds chirp before I went to bed. Bad flashbacks I guess. Maybe I was the vampire after all.
The next day, the guys go to the mall. There's no way I'm taking part in any of that. I chill at home, read on the beach, and return our rental car for a new one (long boring story). I also sit down with Kelly and fully listen to his baby mama drama and offer him some serious advice for the first time on this trip.
That night we roll around the streets of Lagoa, drink Absinthe, and enjoy the free outdoor public samba concert. Matt's having bad flashbacks of Conferia but I got a nice buzz and I'm lovin' the Absinthe. It's like the Smirnoff Ice version Absinthe and it's sold in every gas station and market in green bottles. Yummy. Kelly is mesmerized by the tall tranny's and Paul is in love with the mirrored storefronts. I'm still the DD and I drive home with a huge smile on my face and sleep like a champ.
The next day, we decide to explore the South West corner of the Island which we have not been to. Paul is anticipating a lot of traffic on the way home since we're officially in Carnaval Weekend. When we hit a particular intersection to get out of Lagoa and he sees the oncoming traffic he jumps out of the car. We continue on our journey and see a the most authentic, non-commercialized part of the Island. We take a boat to another hidden beach which is not accessible by road. It's wide and beautiful. Bushy green hills surround the expansive beach. Horses roam the finges and a few shacks nestled in the greenery sell food and drinks. You can see the mainland across the water. We play football and pepper, chat, swim, and have a good time keeping to ourselves. When it's time to go we decide to hike back instead of taking a boat. We have some trouble finding the trail back among all the green foliage and the locals who claim to know the way get us lost for a while but we all laugh it off and eventually find the trail. I love sweating and getting the toxins out. He hit a bit of traffic around Campeche but pull some jedi moves and use our detailed map to hit a shortcut around all the traffic. The sound of drums, signifying the local parades, is like a death sentence and we strive to avoid it. We arrive at the intersection that caused Paul to jump out. 9 cars and 3 minutes later (we timed it exactly) we're through it. I look forward to rubbing Paul's face in his own feces. I know he was bored all day because he kept texting us on the cheap little cheapy cell phones we had that only worked on the Island.
P: What are you guys doing?
A: We're on a boat?
P: Where are you going?
A: Hidden beach. You should see this place it's amazing. Have fun at the mall.
P: I'm glad you found something fun to do. Maybe now someone can remove the tampon from your hole.
A: Sorry. All out of Tampons. Can you pick some up at the mall?
By the time we get home it's dark and late. The the beachfront joints by our home are closed and we're scared to brave the reverse carnival traffic back into town for food. As luck would have it there is a huge gay hotel about 200 meters south of us. We go in. It's dark. Not a sound. We soldier on into the depths of this seemingly dead resort which hours ago was covered with brown gay bodies and speedos from wall to wall (according to Paul). We go the restaurant and it's open. I'm already drunk and wearing nothing but a pair of shorts. No shoes. No shirt. No problem. The host offers the fellas 50% discount if their cute little friend keeps his shirt off. Sold. We eat at the buffet and it was hands down the best meal of the trip. No question about it. We're thinking about winding down after a long day, nice buzz, and full belly but we get a call from friends on our cheapy local phones and they tell us that we should not miss Pacha tonight. David Guetta' from Paris is spinning. Pacha is all the way on the North side of the Island. We debate it for a while. We already have a full day planned tomorrow. Is it really worth it? Does a bear shit in the woods? Does Paul flex is every photo? Does Kelly shower with CB SPF 1000? Hell yeah ... we're going.
It's pissing rain out. Our crappy ride is fogging up and the fellas are drinking. Matt's my navigator but he decides to call George for some idle chit chat in the hairiest part of the trip and I'm trying to drive and read signs through my foggy rainsoaked window all at the same time. Paul won't shut up and I snap at him. It was a moment of weakness which I regret. It's cool and forgotten once we get there. We're in awe of the size of this place in the middle of nowhere. The guys were short on cash but we assumed we could use our credit cards. No such luck. You gotta pay cash for the cover. Paul and I are the only ones with any substantial cash at this point. All our $ together still won't get the 4 of us in but we're in luck. Scalpers are selling tiks for 20 rials less outside. We can get in at that rate. We buy the tickets outside the lot and roll back in. This place is like a mall. Imagine a food court at a mall. That's how all the multiple bars in this place were set up. It also had an outdoor dancefloor the size of 3 football fields with the hugest DJ stand ever. The DJ stand and couches / dance floor around it alone was big enough to be it's own establishment. The headliner doesn't start until 3 a.m. and seems to alternate between really epic house and tweaky techno. Probably for the contrast I suppose. All melodic house sounds better if it comes after harsh, soulless techno. It was a very epic night. On the drive home I get to see the sun rise over Lagoa. I decide to treat the moment like a blessing, a beautiful moment, a gift from god instead of the dirty moment when you realize you've been up partying all night and sun is here to remind you what a loser you are. Not everyone shares my prespective and I have to listen to more whining but my spirit perseveres I go to bed happy.
Side Note: I've been conditioned to be ashamed of my "Americanness" when I travel. Thanks Dubyah. Sometimes I'm even embarassed to throw the ball around on the beach because I know it's an instant give away. But that night David played a remix of "American Boy" and all the girls in the joint lost their minds. They were dancing and singing the lyrics out loud. Maybe they just like the melody. Maybe they didn't even know what they were singing. I'd like to think they did. It made me feel fuzzy inside.
I get up after 4 hours of sleep and feel surprisingly good (probably because I drank nothing but water, and lots of it, the night before). We're headed to P12 because we love it. Once again, George and Benia have some of their promoter friends get us some passes up front and Anna is there to greet us. For the first time ever she seems a little tired but still in a good mood and very kind. The lack of sleep in definitely catching up with Paul and he hits the "Miami Zone". Last time I saw him like this was when he stayed up for 72 hours straight in Miami. He's hyper but sloppy at the same time. Strangely, he's flexible and non-judgemental and I like this version more than the others for some reason. We run into a lot of friends and it's a bit sad since we also know we're close to leaving. It was a nice chance to spend one of the last days of the trip with most of the people we've met. Sun goes down, beats of are absolutely epic, and I never want to leave. But we eventually do.
Matt and Kelly crash hard. Paul and I stay up and decide to head into town for quick internet and food. I haven't emailed Jen for days and feel bad. Plus we're both starving. Unfortunately, because we're right across from the most popular beach on the Island, this means that end of day traffic by our house during Carnival is insane. We sit in the car for 15 minutes and can still see our driveway. We turn around. Paul calls some ladies who are in Lagoa and basically puts in an order of food for us. God bless the kid. He might not have a soul but he's got game. His mackalicious skills save us from starving.
Our last day is spent at Praia Mole across from the crib. The day is cut short as a rain storm hits the beach and we go home clean up and head out for one last dinner with friends. There are some painful goodbyes and I retire to pack and prepare for departure. I'm excited to see Jen and kids. I have a picture of Max and Riley taped to the inside lid of my first aid kit. I don't know why it's there. I think it's because I figured that is the spot I'll be looking at if shit goes wrong and that's the moment I'll need the most strength. I leave the kit open on my nightstand and drift to sleep.
Officially, this is more or less the end of the "trip". We return the car at the airport, fly to Sao Paulo, and after a 10 hour layover fly first class (thanks to Paul) to DC. Unfortunately I hardly get to enjoy it as I force down the cardboard tasting gourmet dinner, slam a drooler, and pass out. Matt flies to Cali and the rest of us to Seattle. However, these 36 hours had their own share of drama and heartache.
I've always lived by the Philosophy of "Do the right thing and tell the truth." I try not to do anything I'm ashamed of and in turn take pride in always being in a position to tell the truth. I've tried to be honest and forthright in all these travel stories. However, I now find myself being asked by others to leave out crucial details and since love prevails I will abide by their wishes.
I am home now. I slept for 12 hours last night. I kept waking up not knowing who I was, where I was, or where I was going. Where am I? Who am I? Am I in Seattle? Is Seattle my home? Do they speak Persian here? How long am I staying?
I spent the day with the kids and Jen and I are trying reconnect at a stronger level. I didn't think it was possible but I've grown from this trip and have realized that I need to remap some things in my life that had become a bit unhealthy.
My final thoughts are odes to my travel partners.
Kelly you are a kind soul and a misunderstood gentleman. I think you're too good for the crowd you hang out with.
Paul I hope you stay forever young and never lose your spirit or enthusiasm. I envy you.
Matty supported me during my down times. Weather I was injured, sick, or emotionally distraught he had my back and I took immense pride in doing the same for him. He also covered for me financially in many situations. Like my mom once said when we quarrelled over who gets to pay the bill, "Whoever has more pays." Although I was the more financially successful of the two of us for the majority of our friendship, Matty's been killing it lately and gladly covered for me in all of our more "frivolous" expenditures. You are a rare friend. I love you brother. I'll never forget the chicken meal in the bus stop.
Jen's calling me up for dinner. It smells good. Like home.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Brazil - Part III: Deep Cool
I’m not sure when it happened. I stopped taking notes. My writer’s eye, the one that tries to remember everything for future retelling closed up. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. I’ve been flowing through life enjoying myself and not caring about much. I am no longer tired. But my heart is still true. It always will be.
I will try to remember everything to the best of my ability but forgive me if this ends up sounding like an uninspired middle school essay on “What did you do this summer?”
When I finished the last blog, the fellas were coming to pick me up so we can go out at night for the first time since we got to Flo. We weren’t really in the mood for turbo club action so we just hit the center of the local beach town and hung at the main intersection drinking beers and chatting with the locals. I ran into some guys that we had met on the south side of the Island. They had both lived and worked in the US before. One as a student in SanFran. The other as a ski lift operator in Utah. They were very cool. We discussed some cultural nuances of Brazil and America and they taught me some Portuguese. Most importantly “Grilled Chicken with Veggies” the most important survival phrase for me when I travel.
Funny incident from that night … while I was talking to my new friends in the street, the fellas went to a bar to get some drinks. I guess Paul asked a girl in Portuguese if she spoke English to which she replied in a very loud and annoyed fashion: “NO !!!”.
They told me the story later. A few hours later as we walk by with our new friends laughing and having a great time I see them sitting at the same exact table. Still alone. Still with no one to talk to. Poetic justice. I’ve tried to be as open as I can this trip and savor every new person I meet.
The next day we drive to the north coast. Jurrere. There is a day club there, P12, which is more amazing than anything in Vegas or even Ibiza when I was there 10 years ago. Paul’s local friend Benia works in an advertising agency that handles all the print and media for the major clubs around here and she had hooked us up with free passes. We also make friends with the manager Anna who is extremely classy and cool. Benia and her friend George meet us there. We also meet a few other promoters. It’s an off day at P12 since it really only pops on weekends but it’s a good opportunity to make friends and contacts. We have a fun, laid-back time and later Benia and George show us Mark’s house and take us to the Pharmacy for some ass medicine for Matt
By the way, on our way out of P12 Paul, who had pounded a few drinks leans into Anna’s ear and whispers one word. “Sexy”. It made me cringe. She had been so kind and classy. I really hoped that Paul had not offended her. Future visits to P12 proved me wrong. I guess a brother can go far with movie star good looks, a #5 smile, and little bit of confidence. Anna continued to treat us 1st class.
We drive home after dark and have to hurry since we’re going out with Reno to El Divino. It’s an amazing club. I get sweated at the door for having on a sleeveless shirt so I have to find our vale’d car a few blocks away and get another shirt out of it. It was a huge hassle but Matt and Benia who had met us there helped out. Once again, Benia came through and not only helped with the valet situation but also got us in. Reno had a nice VIP section reserved. I’ve always been fundamentally against the VIP concept at clubs. What’s the point of going out to a social function only to then isolate yourself from the crowd. I like to talk, dance, mingle, and just roam. I also can’t stand people who get their sense of worth or a good time from a velvet rope. Nonetheless, it’s a great time all around and we go home late but happy. Sadly, Kelly stayed home sick. We told him he didn’t miss much. We lied.
The next day was a fog. I can’t recall much. I get on the bikes with Matty and we go get some food and try to sleep a bit on the beach. Later he run errands while I read and then we get some health food at DNA in Lagoa. We try to watch “No Country for Old Men” on his laptop and fall asleep after the first 10 minutes.
Saturday we go back to P12 and enjoy the fact that Kelly is finally well enough to go out with us. We get him wasted which probably wasn’t a good idea. I stay dead sober and enjoy the antics of my loaded friends as I drive them home after dark. Life’s good. We meet some friends for Tai food and go to bed early.
Sunday is the big house music day at P12 and it’s OFF THE CHAIN. World class DJ’s. Best day of the trip by far. We meet Australians, Argentineans, Brits, and people from every corner of the globe. We also run into our American friend Mike who’s like a mini-Colin and stands out a bit due to his height and decent fitness. At this point Kelly is dominating the party much like Mack dominated the dive in Koh Tao (if you don’t know about that … sorry). Paul is kind of a big deal and Matt is on cloud 99. Paul has strangers coming up to him and wanting to take pictures with him. Matt’s beating his chest like a silver back in heat and the fans love it. I walk around with no ego for I am one with the people. I have a lot of fun talking to different folks and dancing. As the great philosopher Jeff Larson once said: “I’m the shit.”
The next day Matt and I go to Barra De Lagoa for some competitive volleyball. We’re disappointed with the quality of the competition but since Matt can’t jump due to his knee the games remain close. My competitive side comes out and Matt tells me I’m being a dick and he’s probably right. We go to bed early.
The next day turns out to be pretty epic. We go to the sand dunes of Joaquina for some sand surfing but it’s raining and you can’t really slide on wet sand. We’re not too disappointed since it would have just amounted to snow boarding down bunny slopes but still worth the experience. So Matt and I surf instead while Paul and Kelly eat and check the internet. Next, we hit Campeche beach and realize it’s time to finalize our tickets home.
There’s one thing that had been a source of uneasiness for me this entire trip. I could stay ‘til the 27th but my friends had to leave around a week sooner. I kept trying to convince them to stay longer but it seemed in vain. I considered staying alone or with the many friends we’ve made but I got really depressed when I did that in Thailand and didn’t want to feel that way again. That evening when Paul checks the loads for standby flights he discovers that no one can leave until the 24th. I’m ecstatic. Paul copes with the news. Matt’s non-pulsed. Kelly is devastated. But I know what’s best for him and assure him he’ll be glad this happened by the time he’s on his deathbed. (Which may very well have been the bed he was laying in as we spoke.) That’s just kind of bastard I am. Turns out I was right.
The next day we’re back at Barra De Lagoa. The competition is better and Matt and I play late. We tell the fellas to take the car home. We’ll figure out our ride. By the time we’re done my back’s hurting. We eat a whole chicken with our bare hands out of a paper bag in a dark desolate bus stop. Matt buys me Smirnoff and carry’s my bag again since my back’s wrecked. I cherished the decrepit meal in the jacked bus stop for, once again, it’s something only the closest of brothers can share with no pretension.
The next day is a lazy day at our local beach, Praia Mole. Matt, Kelly, and I decide to walk to the rock formations at the end of the beach and take pictures. It requires us to walk through a strongly gay area of the beach. Amusing but no big deal. When we get there, we find out that Kelly’s camera is out of batteries, again, and we have to hike back through gayland, again. When we get back to our bags which were being watched by some friends we run into Paul. Now he have to hump back through homoville again, this time with our trophy new boyfriend. We take some amazing pics. Kelly and I continue hiking over the hill to the next beach and it’s wondrous. Pictures from our crappy cameras will not do it justice. It’s also a nude beach which causes Kelly to sprint out of this killer frame I had set up because some naked guy came to within 15 yards of him. Lost a bit of respect for him on that move. On the way back we meet the first and only cool Americans we’ve met the whole trip (the only other one was a fat, drunk, obnoxious girl from Atlanta at P12). We eat at a cool beach bar with nice beats and watch the sun go down. I had met the DJ earlier that day through a friend and he wanted to give me a CD.
We got home and I took a shower earlier than the rest of the crew so I though I’d write this while they got ready. We’re going to Conferia for some house music tonight. Be safe and keep it sexy.
I will try to remember everything to the best of my ability but forgive me if this ends up sounding like an uninspired middle school essay on “What did you do this summer?”
When I finished the last blog, the fellas were coming to pick me up so we can go out at night for the first time since we got to Flo. We weren’t really in the mood for turbo club action so we just hit the center of the local beach town and hung at the main intersection drinking beers and chatting with the locals. I ran into some guys that we had met on the south side of the Island. They had both lived and worked in the US before. One as a student in SanFran. The other as a ski lift operator in Utah. They were very cool. We discussed some cultural nuances of Brazil and America and they taught me some Portuguese. Most importantly “Grilled Chicken with Veggies” the most important survival phrase for me when I travel.
Funny incident from that night … while I was talking to my new friends in the street, the fellas went to a bar to get some drinks. I guess Paul asked a girl in Portuguese if she spoke English to which she replied in a very loud and annoyed fashion: “NO !!!”.
They told me the story later. A few hours later as we walk by with our new friends laughing and having a great time I see them sitting at the same exact table. Still alone. Still with no one to talk to. Poetic justice. I’ve tried to be as open as I can this trip and savor every new person I meet.
The next day we drive to the north coast. Jurrere. There is a day club there, P12, which is more amazing than anything in Vegas or even Ibiza when I was there 10 years ago. Paul’s local friend Benia works in an advertising agency that handles all the print and media for the major clubs around here and she had hooked us up with free passes. We also make friends with the manager Anna who is extremely classy and cool. Benia and her friend George meet us there. We also meet a few other promoters. It’s an off day at P12 since it really only pops on weekends but it’s a good opportunity to make friends and contacts. We have a fun, laid-back time and later Benia and George show us Mark’s house and take us to the Pharmacy for some ass medicine for Matt
By the way, on our way out of P12 Paul, who had pounded a few drinks leans into Anna’s ear and whispers one word. “Sexy”. It made me cringe. She had been so kind and classy. I really hoped that Paul had not offended her. Future visits to P12 proved me wrong. I guess a brother can go far with movie star good looks, a #5 smile, and little bit of confidence. Anna continued to treat us 1st class.
We drive home after dark and have to hurry since we’re going out with Reno to El Divino. It’s an amazing club. I get sweated at the door for having on a sleeveless shirt so I have to find our vale’d car a few blocks away and get another shirt out of it. It was a huge hassle but Matt and Benia who had met us there helped out. Once again, Benia came through and not only helped with the valet situation but also got us in. Reno had a nice VIP section reserved. I’ve always been fundamentally against the VIP concept at clubs. What’s the point of going out to a social function only to then isolate yourself from the crowd. I like to talk, dance, mingle, and just roam. I also can’t stand people who get their sense of worth or a good time from a velvet rope. Nonetheless, it’s a great time all around and we go home late but happy. Sadly, Kelly stayed home sick. We told him he didn’t miss much. We lied.
The next day was a fog. I can’t recall much. I get on the bikes with Matty and we go get some food and try to sleep a bit on the beach. Later he run errands while I read and then we get some health food at DNA in Lagoa. We try to watch “No Country for Old Men” on his laptop and fall asleep after the first 10 minutes.
Saturday we go back to P12 and enjoy the fact that Kelly is finally well enough to go out with us. We get him wasted which probably wasn’t a good idea. I stay dead sober and enjoy the antics of my loaded friends as I drive them home after dark. Life’s good. We meet some friends for Tai food and go to bed early.
Sunday is the big house music day at P12 and it’s OFF THE CHAIN. World class DJ’s. Best day of the trip by far. We meet Australians, Argentineans, Brits, and people from every corner of the globe. We also run into our American friend Mike who’s like a mini-Colin and stands out a bit due to his height and decent fitness. At this point Kelly is dominating the party much like Mack dominated the dive in Koh Tao (if you don’t know about that … sorry). Paul is kind of a big deal and Matt is on cloud 99. Paul has strangers coming up to him and wanting to take pictures with him. Matt’s beating his chest like a silver back in heat and the fans love it. I walk around with no ego for I am one with the people. I have a lot of fun talking to different folks and dancing. As the great philosopher Jeff Larson once said: “I’m the shit.”
The next day Matt and I go to Barra De Lagoa for some competitive volleyball. We’re disappointed with the quality of the competition but since Matt can’t jump due to his knee the games remain close. My competitive side comes out and Matt tells me I’m being a dick and he’s probably right. We go to bed early.
The next day turns out to be pretty epic. We go to the sand dunes of Joaquina for some sand surfing but it’s raining and you can’t really slide on wet sand. We’re not too disappointed since it would have just amounted to snow boarding down bunny slopes but still worth the experience. So Matt and I surf instead while Paul and Kelly eat and check the internet. Next, we hit Campeche beach and realize it’s time to finalize our tickets home.
There’s one thing that had been a source of uneasiness for me this entire trip. I could stay ‘til the 27th but my friends had to leave around a week sooner. I kept trying to convince them to stay longer but it seemed in vain. I considered staying alone or with the many friends we’ve made but I got really depressed when I did that in Thailand and didn’t want to feel that way again. That evening when Paul checks the loads for standby flights he discovers that no one can leave until the 24th. I’m ecstatic. Paul copes with the news. Matt’s non-pulsed. Kelly is devastated. But I know what’s best for him and assure him he’ll be glad this happened by the time he’s on his deathbed. (Which may very well have been the bed he was laying in as we spoke.) That’s just kind of bastard I am. Turns out I was right.
The next day we’re back at Barra De Lagoa. The competition is better and Matt and I play late. We tell the fellas to take the car home. We’ll figure out our ride. By the time we’re done my back’s hurting. We eat a whole chicken with our bare hands out of a paper bag in a dark desolate bus stop. Matt buys me Smirnoff and carry’s my bag again since my back’s wrecked. I cherished the decrepit meal in the jacked bus stop for, once again, it’s something only the closest of brothers can share with no pretension.
The next day is a lazy day at our local beach, Praia Mole. Matt, Kelly, and I decide to walk to the rock formations at the end of the beach and take pictures. It requires us to walk through a strongly gay area of the beach. Amusing but no big deal. When we get there, we find out that Kelly’s camera is out of batteries, again, and we have to hike back through gayland, again. When we get back to our bags which were being watched by some friends we run into Paul. Now he have to hump back through homoville again, this time with our trophy new boyfriend. We take some amazing pics. Kelly and I continue hiking over the hill to the next beach and it’s wondrous. Pictures from our crappy cameras will not do it justice. It’s also a nude beach which causes Kelly to sprint out of this killer frame I had set up because some naked guy came to within 15 yards of him. Lost a bit of respect for him on that move. On the way back we meet the first and only cool Americans we’ve met the whole trip (the only other one was a fat, drunk, obnoxious girl from Atlanta at P12). We eat at a cool beach bar with nice beats and watch the sun go down. I had met the DJ earlier that day through a friend and he wanted to give me a CD.
We got home and I took a shower earlier than the rest of the crew so I though I’d write this while they got ready. We’re going to Conferia for some house music tonight. Be safe and keep it sexy.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Brazil - Part II: Tears in the Sand
I am tired.
My heart is true.
- Dave Eggers
Third world travel can be strange. There is almost no other time in life with manic ups and downs, euphoric highs, and heartbreaking lows so closely squeezed in together. Like sardines in a can the good times and the bad seem to line up right next to each other with very little room for neutral emotions or insignificant downtime.
Injuries, food poisoning, accidents, and heartache go hand in hand with the joy of discovering new things, places, people, & music. Sadness and joy, like fraternal twins, wear different faces but are never too far from each other and are born from the same parents, hope & expectation. (My brother once said "When you travel, expectation is a bitch.")
But what’s felt often fades with time while what’s done (what happens) lasts forever. One of the greatest quotes I’ve heard is from my friend Marty. We were looking over some pictures from a Vegas trip and he said: “You know that was a great trip … even when we thought we weren’t having fun we really were.” And that is so true. I just spent 24 hours with food poisoning (more on that shortly) fading in and out of delirium, puking, and painting the bowl. But I’m pretty sure in 6 months I’d give my left nut to be back in Florianopolis taking turns puking and laughing with Matt. Any time one of us is playing poorly we just remind each other, “Hey, your worst day at the beach is better than your best day at the office.”
And so it is, fair reader, that the last few days have been a whirlwind of ups and downs. It took me 3 attempts in 2 days just to type these first few paragraphs. If I was to heavily plagiarize “Gym Class Heroes” and write a poem about what my life’s been like lately (or … let’s be honest … what I WISH my life was like) it would be something like this:
Cheezy Poem
P.S. That’s just a hacked poem so please don’t take every verse literally. I think you all know the portions that do and don’t apply
OK enough with reflection. Let’s get back to facts and events. I would also like to make 2 things perfectly clear before I go on:
1) I will roast and make a lot of jokes at my friends’ expense but It’s all in good fun and ball busting. I wouldn’t travel across the world with ANYONE who I didn’t have 100% faith, respect, and love for. I was told that some of the stuff I wrote in the last blog was offensive to some so I want to publicly apologize right now.
2) Despite what you are about to read, we are all 4, at this moment, in perfect health and spirits so please don’t be concerned.
Moving on …. When we last left our heroes, they were sitting in a hotel room in Rio doing shots while the sexy one was wrapping up his blog. Once the fellas were ready we took a cab to Lapa, the historical district in Rio. This area was very poor and extra sketchy late at night. There was one lively alley where some folks were selling their art and booze. We hung out there for a while, checking out art and chatting with the locals. Matt seems to be a magnet for drunk people with bad breath who think he understands what they’re saying. Paul and Matt got their portrait done together, eternally linking their souls in a bad replica of two guys looking like a young Kirk Russell and that cheese dick from “The fast and the furious”.
Afterwards we accidentally ended up at a gay bar where Kelly seemed to finally smile for the first time and Matt showed everyone what a skilled meat gazer he truly is. Totally kidding. But Paul really did have his picture taken with a tranny. It was worth the laughs.
Random Side Note: Paul's facebook status the next day read as follows … “Paul is putting on some CockBlock SPF 45 for extra protection.” He claims he didn’t do it. The culprit remains at large.
Anyhomo, the next day was very laid back. We spent the whole day lounging at the beach. Matt and I found a huge sand dune created by the digging of a waterway between Ipanema beach and the lagoon behind it. We did some sprint drills up the dune. It was awesome. Then some local kids tried to race us and of course we all know who won. To make up for coming in 2nd, Matt did a front flip off the top of the dunes and kids got a kick out of it. (FYI, Matt’s knee has been jacked this whole trip). We also did some peppering and drills and threw the football around with Kelly. Paul was photographed passed out next to Eric Schaeffer’s book “I can’t believe I’m still single”. It’s a hilarious photo. (Editors Note: Paul claims that he can “totally” believe why he’s single”)
Anyhorny, as the sun was setting we figured it was time to GTF outa dodge. We went back to the hotel, called GOL airlines and booked some tickets to Flo for 10:40 a.m. the next day. The plan was to figure out where we’re staying once we got there. Paul suggested trying to find a house so I emailed a guy I had corresponded with a few weeks earlier. Luckily he replied back that the had a condo available for us. VERY lucky. Paul also suggested that we reserve a car so we hooked that up as well. Once it looked like everything was settled we decided to take a brief stroll to Copa Cabana beach (home to one of my heroes, Jose Loyola) and go to bed early since we had the morning flight. Big mistake. We stopped to eat at a place that looked fairly respectable but the food was atrocious. It’s been almost 48 hours since that moment and I’m gagging recalling the event. Kelly was on 2 painkillers and very funny. Also, Matt attracted more drunk people with bad breath who thought he understood them. The boy’s a hobo magnet. Kinda like how Kelly is a chick magnet. Or how Paul’s a tranny magnet.
That night was hell. I had to stay up late to finalize all the details for our house and car. Meanwhile, Matt was so sick that he turned off the AC and put on his fleece while he prayed to the porcelain gods every few minutes and I was sweating my ass off. Trying to coordinate everything at 3:00 am with food poisoning and having to get up at 7:00 am was not fun. I never really told the guys how much that sucked but it did. The only upside was that they were all very appreciative and thankful when we arrived and that made it all worthwhile.
We somehow manage to get our act together in the morning and pack, check out, jump in a cab, and go to the airport. Matt was VERY VERY sick. I was not as bad but also felt pretty shitty. Paul and Kelly seemed OK. We still kept our gallows humor about us and made it through the place although Matt would just fall asleep everywhere we stopped and he constantly needed a plastic bag nearby to vomit in. I carried his stuff and woke him up every time we needed to move.
Important Side Note: Despite how well and how long I’ve known Matt, I am absolutely blown away but the way he can quietly take his pain, suffer through his daemons, and not utter the slightest complain. If I was a girl, I think I’d find this one of the most attractive qualities in a man.
Kelly has got to be the most flexible and non-judgemental guy I’ve been around. He is low maintenance and has a great sense of humor. I can definitely get deep with him and his concise insights always impress and entertain me. Sometimes I feel like I’m harsh with him but it’s the brotherly crassness that’s bread from comfort, trust, and familiarity.
Also, as much as I like to bust his balls, Paul’s a great road dog. He is the eternal optimist and enthusiastic traveler. He’s very good at thinking things through 3 or 4 steps ahead and predicting consequences other wouldn’t think of until it’s too late. I’ve been to more places with him than anyone else and there’s a good reason for that. I’m not sure what that reason is but I’ll let you know when I figure it out.
Once we land in Flo we meet our car guy at the airport and take off in our Volkswagen GOL. We meet Reno who is sort of a semi-concierge. He’s a former pro surfer who lives in one of the condos here and helps the visitors with everything from car & motorcycle rentals, to cell phones, guides, translators, reservations, and everything else. We quickly bond since he’s about our age and temperament and even make plans to go out in a couple of nights. He’s a first class dude and we’re lucky to have him on our side.
Our day of arrival is a long and painful blur. Once we check in we take turns sleeping, puking, shitting, etc. I faded in and out of sleep and slept for over 12 hours. Paul said it was 16 but I have no idea when I fell asleep or when I woke up.
Funny Dialogue
ARDI: I feel bad. I had to take a Valium last night to fall asleep. I don’t like taking stuff like that.”
PAUL: I know. I wanted to take a drooler (sleeping pill) but I kept falling asleep before I could take it.
At this point (before the long sleep) my mind is cannibalizing itself. On top of the illness and sleep deprivation I’m also spinning into a surreal depression since I can see my long awaited vacation wasting away and going nowhere. I’m wondering if it’s all happening because of bad luck or have I done something, or worse, become someone, to deserve this. (All that went away the next morning).
I’m dreaming. Walking through a never ending airport terminal. It's the outdoor kind in the tradition of Thai Islands. No matter how fast I walk everyone is passing me and I know I'm going to miss my flight. Where are my bags? I see Paul and Kelly carrying a suitcase with Matt in it. When I open the suitcase all the way I see that it’s only the top of Matt’s head (scalp) and the rest of him is not there. I dig through the bag frantically trying to find the rest of him and piece him together. Kelly cries. Paul laughs. I wake up.
It’s 8:00 am. Everyone’s asleep. Even though I feel groggy and weak from having little more than a bowl of fruit for the past 24 hours I decide to go for a run on the beach in hopes of jumpstarting myself. The beach is empty. I run to the end but gas out quickly and walk back physically and emotionally drained. On the way back I see a yellow flag on a pole high above the beach. It instantly reminds me of my childhood on the beaches of the Caspian Sea where I spent the summers at my grandparents villa. They had Green, Red, and Black flags to indicate the danger levels at the beach for swimmers. I suddenly flash back to a picture of a 5 year old me on a horse with my grandfather holding the harness. The last time I saw him was when he came to Houston my senior year in High School. He got to watch me play a hell of a football game against our rival high school and although he didn’t understand the game much he loved to see me run and hear my name called on the PA each time the crowd roared. I am eternally grateful to god for giving him that experience. A few weeks later when I was leaving on a ski trip to New Mexico he cried when we said goodbye. I had never seen this mountain of a man, this rock of integrity shed a tear but he did that day. Later, my mom told me it was because he knew he would never see me again. He was right.
Even though the beach is empty I hide behind an old lifeguard shack so no one can see me cry. I’m there for a while.
When I get back I fix myself a protein shake, take a shower, and fall back asleep. I wake up to the sound of Matt washing dishes. We decide to rent some motorcycles and visit the south side of the island where there is a secret beach only accessible via a 1 hour hike. Kelly drives Matt and I to the bike rental place.
I have an embarrassing confession to make. I never learned how to ride a manual transmission motorcycle. I mean I’ve rode mopeds and scooters before and even a manual moped but never a full on true blue motorcycle. The one time I tried to learn was in the back of Ehben’s mom’s property where I flew into his mom’s flowerpots and damaged the bike and myself. I figured I’d need to learn on a beach or something so I can’t mess anything up. No such luck today. Matt teaches me the fundamentals verbally and I listen intently. The rental place is on a busy street and I feel like I need to look like I know what I’m doing. Basically need to pull away from this place nice and smooth and blend right into the traffic. I trust Matt with my life so I listen to him and it all goes smoothly. They did however, give us the bikes with no gas so we run out of gas 40 yards from the place and Matt has to push his bike back to get a little bit gas so he can make it to the gas station. One of the bikes has a flawed starter but it works so we’re off.
Paul and Kelly drive to the beach while Matt and I follow/lead in our bikes. I quickly get a hang of things just like Matt promised. I finally feel like vacation has begun. Usually, it’s being submerged in the ocean that let’s me know I’m finally “there” but this time, for some reason, it's riding the bikes with Matt and following the boys in the GOL.
We stop for some photos and pick up a hitchhiker with his little daughter. He happens to be going to the same little fishing village where the trailhead to the secret beach starts and he shows us the way.
It was a great hike. In the tradition of all great tropical hikes. You get coated in a nice warm layer of sweat and your joints don’t hurt at all. It rained on us but it was like a warm shower. I liked it. Matt carried my back pack with everyone’s gear to spare my fucked up spine even though he has a fucked up knee himself. How can you not love a guy like that? Once we get to the beach we realize it’s getting dark. Also, Paul has flip-flops on and he’s concerned about trying to make it back in the dark. We try to get a boat to take us back but the last boat is leaving and it’s full. Soooooo we tough it out back to our cars and head home. Kelly rides Matt’s bike back. We all get separated and pretty much get home on our own but within a few minutes of each other.
I take a nice shower and chat with Reno about tonight and tomorrow night. The boys are now at the internet café. I’m home alone typing this since the Portuguese key boards are impossible to use. It would probably take me 3 days to type this. I’m going to save it and upload it later since there’s no internet connectivity here.
We’re finally going to go out tonight to celebrate our health and maybe throw it all away, again. I hear the VW GOL pulling in the driveway. Chao.
My heart is true.
- Dave Eggers
Third world travel can be strange. There is almost no other time in life with manic ups and downs, euphoric highs, and heartbreaking lows so closely squeezed in together. Like sardines in a can the good times and the bad seem to line up right next to each other with very little room for neutral emotions or insignificant downtime.
Injuries, food poisoning, accidents, and heartache go hand in hand with the joy of discovering new things, places, people, & music. Sadness and joy, like fraternal twins, wear different faces but are never too far from each other and are born from the same parents, hope & expectation. (My brother once said "When you travel, expectation is a bitch.")
But what’s felt often fades with time while what’s done (what happens) lasts forever. One of the greatest quotes I’ve heard is from my friend Marty. We were looking over some pictures from a Vegas trip and he said: “You know that was a great trip … even when we thought we weren’t having fun we really were.” And that is so true. I just spent 24 hours with food poisoning (more on that shortly) fading in and out of delirium, puking, and painting the bowl. But I’m pretty sure in 6 months I’d give my left nut to be back in Florianopolis taking turns puking and laughing with Matt. Any time one of us is playing poorly we just remind each other, “Hey, your worst day at the beach is better than your best day at the office.”
And so it is, fair reader, that the last few days have been a whirlwind of ups and downs. It took me 3 attempts in 2 days just to type these first few paragraphs. If I was to heavily plagiarize “Gym Class Heroes” and write a poem about what my life’s been like lately (or … let’s be honest … what I WISH my life was like) it would be something like this:
Cheezy Poem
P.S. That’s just a hacked poem so please don’t take every verse literally. I think you all know the portions that do and don’t apply
OK enough with reflection. Let’s get back to facts and events. I would also like to make 2 things perfectly clear before I go on:
1) I will roast and make a lot of jokes at my friends’ expense but It’s all in good fun and ball busting. I wouldn’t travel across the world with ANYONE who I didn’t have 100% faith, respect, and love for. I was told that some of the stuff I wrote in the last blog was offensive to some so I want to publicly apologize right now.
2) Despite what you are about to read, we are all 4, at this moment, in perfect health and spirits so please don’t be concerned.
Moving on …. When we last left our heroes, they were sitting in a hotel room in Rio doing shots while the sexy one was wrapping up his blog. Once the fellas were ready we took a cab to Lapa, the historical district in Rio. This area was very poor and extra sketchy late at night. There was one lively alley where some folks were selling their art and booze. We hung out there for a while, checking out art and chatting with the locals. Matt seems to be a magnet for drunk people with bad breath who think he understands what they’re saying. Paul and Matt got their portrait done together, eternally linking their souls in a bad replica of two guys looking like a young Kirk Russell and that cheese dick from “The fast and the furious”.
Afterwards we accidentally ended up at a gay bar where Kelly seemed to finally smile for the first time and Matt showed everyone what a skilled meat gazer he truly is. Totally kidding. But Paul really did have his picture taken with a tranny. It was worth the laughs.
Random Side Note: Paul's facebook status the next day read as follows … “Paul is putting on some CockBlock SPF 45 for extra protection.” He claims he didn’t do it. The culprit remains at large.
Anyhomo, the next day was very laid back. We spent the whole day lounging at the beach. Matt and I found a huge sand dune created by the digging of a waterway between Ipanema beach and the lagoon behind it. We did some sprint drills up the dune. It was awesome. Then some local kids tried to race us and of course we all know who won. To make up for coming in 2nd, Matt did a front flip off the top of the dunes and kids got a kick out of it. (FYI, Matt’s knee has been jacked this whole trip). We also did some peppering and drills and threw the football around with Kelly. Paul was photographed passed out next to Eric Schaeffer’s book “I can’t believe I’m still single”. It’s a hilarious photo. (Editors Note: Paul claims that he can “totally” believe why he’s single”)
Anyhorny, as the sun was setting we figured it was time to GTF outa dodge. We went back to the hotel, called GOL airlines and booked some tickets to Flo for 10:40 a.m. the next day. The plan was to figure out where we’re staying once we got there. Paul suggested trying to find a house so I emailed a guy I had corresponded with a few weeks earlier. Luckily he replied back that the had a condo available for us. VERY lucky. Paul also suggested that we reserve a car so we hooked that up as well. Once it looked like everything was settled we decided to take a brief stroll to Copa Cabana beach (home to one of my heroes, Jose Loyola) and go to bed early since we had the morning flight. Big mistake. We stopped to eat at a place that looked fairly respectable but the food was atrocious. It’s been almost 48 hours since that moment and I’m gagging recalling the event. Kelly was on 2 painkillers and very funny. Also, Matt attracted more drunk people with bad breath who thought he understood them. The boy’s a hobo magnet. Kinda like how Kelly is a chick magnet. Or how Paul’s a tranny magnet.
That night was hell. I had to stay up late to finalize all the details for our house and car. Meanwhile, Matt was so sick that he turned off the AC and put on his fleece while he prayed to the porcelain gods every few minutes and I was sweating my ass off. Trying to coordinate everything at 3:00 am with food poisoning and having to get up at 7:00 am was not fun. I never really told the guys how much that sucked but it did. The only upside was that they were all very appreciative and thankful when we arrived and that made it all worthwhile.
We somehow manage to get our act together in the morning and pack, check out, jump in a cab, and go to the airport. Matt was VERY VERY sick. I was not as bad but also felt pretty shitty. Paul and Kelly seemed OK. We still kept our gallows humor about us and made it through the place although Matt would just fall asleep everywhere we stopped and he constantly needed a plastic bag nearby to vomit in. I carried his stuff and woke him up every time we needed to move.
Important Side Note: Despite how well and how long I’ve known Matt, I am absolutely blown away but the way he can quietly take his pain, suffer through his daemons, and not utter the slightest complain. If I was a girl, I think I’d find this one of the most attractive qualities in a man.
Kelly has got to be the most flexible and non-judgemental guy I’ve been around. He is low maintenance and has a great sense of humor. I can definitely get deep with him and his concise insights always impress and entertain me. Sometimes I feel like I’m harsh with him but it’s the brotherly crassness that’s bread from comfort, trust, and familiarity.
Also, as much as I like to bust his balls, Paul’s a great road dog. He is the eternal optimist and enthusiastic traveler. He’s very good at thinking things through 3 or 4 steps ahead and predicting consequences other wouldn’t think of until it’s too late. I’ve been to more places with him than anyone else and there’s a good reason for that. I’m not sure what that reason is but I’ll let you know when I figure it out.
Once we land in Flo we meet our car guy at the airport and take off in our Volkswagen GOL. We meet Reno who is sort of a semi-concierge. He’s a former pro surfer who lives in one of the condos here and helps the visitors with everything from car & motorcycle rentals, to cell phones, guides, translators, reservations, and everything else. We quickly bond since he’s about our age and temperament and even make plans to go out in a couple of nights. He’s a first class dude and we’re lucky to have him on our side.
Our day of arrival is a long and painful blur. Once we check in we take turns sleeping, puking, shitting, etc. I faded in and out of sleep and slept for over 12 hours. Paul said it was 16 but I have no idea when I fell asleep or when I woke up.
Funny Dialogue
ARDI: I feel bad. I had to take a Valium last night to fall asleep. I don’t like taking stuff like that.”
PAUL: I know. I wanted to take a drooler (sleeping pill) but I kept falling asleep before I could take it.
At this point (before the long sleep) my mind is cannibalizing itself. On top of the illness and sleep deprivation I’m also spinning into a surreal depression since I can see my long awaited vacation wasting away and going nowhere. I’m wondering if it’s all happening because of bad luck or have I done something, or worse, become someone, to deserve this. (All that went away the next morning).
I’m dreaming. Walking through a never ending airport terminal. It's the outdoor kind in the tradition of Thai Islands. No matter how fast I walk everyone is passing me and I know I'm going to miss my flight. Where are my bags? I see Paul and Kelly carrying a suitcase with Matt in it. When I open the suitcase all the way I see that it’s only the top of Matt’s head (scalp) and the rest of him is not there. I dig through the bag frantically trying to find the rest of him and piece him together. Kelly cries. Paul laughs. I wake up.
It’s 8:00 am. Everyone’s asleep. Even though I feel groggy and weak from having little more than a bowl of fruit for the past 24 hours I decide to go for a run on the beach in hopes of jumpstarting myself. The beach is empty. I run to the end but gas out quickly and walk back physically and emotionally drained. On the way back I see a yellow flag on a pole high above the beach. It instantly reminds me of my childhood on the beaches of the Caspian Sea where I spent the summers at my grandparents villa. They had Green, Red, and Black flags to indicate the danger levels at the beach for swimmers. I suddenly flash back to a picture of a 5 year old me on a horse with my grandfather holding the harness. The last time I saw him was when he came to Houston my senior year in High School. He got to watch me play a hell of a football game against our rival high school and although he didn’t understand the game much he loved to see me run and hear my name called on the PA each time the crowd roared. I am eternally grateful to god for giving him that experience. A few weeks later when I was leaving on a ski trip to New Mexico he cried when we said goodbye. I had never seen this mountain of a man, this rock of integrity shed a tear but he did that day. Later, my mom told me it was because he knew he would never see me again. He was right.
Even though the beach is empty I hide behind an old lifeguard shack so no one can see me cry. I’m there for a while.
When I get back I fix myself a protein shake, take a shower, and fall back asleep. I wake up to the sound of Matt washing dishes. We decide to rent some motorcycles and visit the south side of the island where there is a secret beach only accessible via a 1 hour hike. Kelly drives Matt and I to the bike rental place.
I have an embarrassing confession to make. I never learned how to ride a manual transmission motorcycle. I mean I’ve rode mopeds and scooters before and even a manual moped but never a full on true blue motorcycle. The one time I tried to learn was in the back of Ehben’s mom’s property where I flew into his mom’s flowerpots and damaged the bike and myself. I figured I’d need to learn on a beach or something so I can’t mess anything up. No such luck today. Matt teaches me the fundamentals verbally and I listen intently. The rental place is on a busy street and I feel like I need to look like I know what I’m doing. Basically need to pull away from this place nice and smooth and blend right into the traffic. I trust Matt with my life so I listen to him and it all goes smoothly. They did however, give us the bikes with no gas so we run out of gas 40 yards from the place and Matt has to push his bike back to get a little bit gas so he can make it to the gas station. One of the bikes has a flawed starter but it works so we’re off.
Paul and Kelly drive to the beach while Matt and I follow/lead in our bikes. I quickly get a hang of things just like Matt promised. I finally feel like vacation has begun. Usually, it’s being submerged in the ocean that let’s me know I’m finally “there” but this time, for some reason, it's riding the bikes with Matt and following the boys in the GOL.
We stop for some photos and pick up a hitchhiker with his little daughter. He happens to be going to the same little fishing village where the trailhead to the secret beach starts and he shows us the way.
It was a great hike. In the tradition of all great tropical hikes. You get coated in a nice warm layer of sweat and your joints don’t hurt at all. It rained on us but it was like a warm shower. I liked it. Matt carried my back pack with everyone’s gear to spare my fucked up spine even though he has a fucked up knee himself. How can you not love a guy like that? Once we get to the beach we realize it’s getting dark. Also, Paul has flip-flops on and he’s concerned about trying to make it back in the dark. We try to get a boat to take us back but the last boat is leaving and it’s full. Soooooo we tough it out back to our cars and head home. Kelly rides Matt’s bike back. We all get separated and pretty much get home on our own but within a few minutes of each other.
I take a nice shower and chat with Reno about tonight and tomorrow night. The boys are now at the internet café. I’m home alone typing this since the Portuguese key boards are impossible to use. It would probably take me 3 days to type this. I’m going to save it and upload it later since there’s no internet connectivity here.
We’re finally going to go out tonight to celebrate our health and maybe throw it all away, again. I hear the VW GOL pulling in the driveway. Chao.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Brazil - Part I: Here we go again
Some trips ... you just know shits gonna hit the fan. Your spidey senses tingle with permonitions of unforeseen hardship and you just brace yourself and prepare for the worst. I'd been carrying around this sense of impending doom for our upcoming trip to Brazil since Paul convinced us to fly standby on his buddy passes. The upside is you pay half price and get to fly 1st or biz class. Downside is you can get bumped or rerouted. This also means you have to carry your luggage on which in turn affects how / what you can bring.
I tired to fight this for a while. Rationalizing that I'd rather pay full price and fly on my own terms with confidence than to risk letting my vacation get ruined by spending 3 days in the DC airport or some shit like that. In the end, Matt's cheapness and Paul's insistence won over and I gave in. But in a way I also gave up. Not on travelling or having fun. But on making plans. What's the point of having hotel reservations if you don't know when you're getting in? What's the point of researching Rio if you might end up in Sao Pauolo. It was a painful departure from my usual methods but after a while I came to enjoy the IDGAF approach.
Anyhoo, the departure day started nicely enough. I had a good night sleep and was spending my last few moments playing with the kids. Kelly come's over and in true Kelly fasion announces that he'd like to do some laundry before we pick Paul up from the airport. If nothing else, Kelly is very creative and resouceful when it comes to finding new and innovative ways of fucking up. But we love him for that. Much more Kelly moments coming soon. After his laundry load we jump in the xTerra and head downtown to pick Paul up from a BMW body shop. Kelly spends the entire ride down arguing on the phone with his girlfriend and I must admit I was entertained. It was very theatrical and made me feel like I was in the middle of one of those semi-serious Seinfeld episodes.
We pick up P-Styles who immediately begins telling us about his most recent female aquaintances and that keeps me nice and bored 'til we get to the airport (just kidding Paul).
I drop us off at the deaprture terminal and Paul takes my car to the employee parking for pilots and tells us to meet him at the gate. I get busted for having a knife in my first aid kit. As I'm repacking my pack I'm thinking to myself "fuck it. It's a piece of shit knife anyway. I'll just tell them they can keep it and stick in their ass. Plus I still have the kick-ass leatherman's tool Jen's dad got me so I'm fine."
Then, the chubby, droopy-jowled midget who searched my bag sais. "OK. Thanks. I'll just run you back through again and you can be on your way."
Again? Are you fuckin' kidding me?" They go through again and and guess what "Sir, do you aome have type of leatherman's tool or something in there?"
"Oh yeah" I say with surprised innocence." "It's right here."
"Well, you can't take this on either."
At this point. As I'm repacking my bag and talking to the lady and deciding what to do about the knives when I notice that my boarding pass is no where to be found. After a few more agonizing moments Kelly hands it to me. Turns out he had grabbed it and put it in his pockets. I told you the little fella never runs out of creative ways to fuck up. Anyway, I run back out of security and mail my knives back home since I wasn't gonna toss the tool Tom got me. It had been everywhere with me. Kelly spends this entire time talking to his shrink and baby mama mama.
I get back through security and being that we're both so distracted we go to the wrong gate. After 30 minutes we realize this and jet to the correct gate in time to meet paul. We get in 1st class which on this flight is like coach with wider seats. But whatever, we're on our way to DC and Kelly and I exchange a terrorist fist bump and the plane gets airborne. We talk about our friends and recent developments in our social circle for a while. Then he sleeps and I begin reading "Average American Male". It's a fierce read. I highly recommend it if you have a penis.
Now before we took off and lost cell phone coverage Paul gets a vague text from Matt that he's not being let back into the gate area. We concoct all the reasons this might be happening (travel embargo, airline rules for companion tickets, etc.) and all the ways we can fix the issue. In the end, it was all for naught and Matt had used his long layover to find a way to get through. We connect to our flight to Rio and as luck would have it, Kelly and Paul get bumped to first class but Mattt and I are stuck in coach. They both promise to come back and switch with us after their naps so we can sleep too. They both lied.
10:15
Matt takes a white sleeping pill Paul gave us with the promise that "it will make you drool". Ardi doesn't.
10:25
Matt's passed out. Ardi's reading.
12:15
The passangers in front of us complain because Ardi's toe is on their armrest. Dont' these fuckers know I have a bad back and need my feet elevated?
1:30
Ardi is hoping all those straight A's in geometry class can now show him how to fit a grown man in a 2 foot by 2 foot box horizontally so he can sleep. Mrs. Delaney would be ashamed & disappointed.
3:19
Ardi is watching the interactive map of our flight pattern and trying to see if he can actually observe the movement of the airplane. He is convinced he can even though the displays are snapshots.
5:45
Ardi is watching Max Payne in Portuguese. Doesn't think the voice acting is very well done based on his almost non-existnet knowledge of the language.
7:28
Ardi fantasizes about following someone who has an empty seat next to them to the bathroom so he can suffocate them and sleep in their double seat. Kelly is dreaming about tanning cream. Paul's dreaming about poon. Matt's dreaming about Brownies.
10:30
Paul comes over with a big smile and tells us about what a great night sleep he had. Ardi feels a distinct burning sensation in his butt overall ass zone. He didn't have chilli last night so he concludes it's probably just rage.
We land around 11 ish and per Paul's advice we rush out to security so we can catch the airline crew bus to the vicinity of Ipanema beach. Ofcourse, CKK, Creative Kelly Kortman, realized that he left his camera on the plane and we go from being the 1st people through customs to the last. We wonder why the heck he even had his camera out on a red-eye flight. WTF was he taking pictures of. His feet? We still manage to catch the crew bus. We get accosted by a few gay attendants but it seems worth the free ride. I meet the captain and he's very cool and has good advice.
We catch a cab to a couple of non-ideal locations. The traffic in Ipanema is slow and we already know where we want to stay to we finally pay the cabbie and hoof it. We find a big double room. with 4 beds, nice bathroom, AC, fridge, and low price. We're stoked for the prime find and hit the beach.
We explore for a while. Ipanema beach is insanely crowded. Not uncomfortably ... there's plenty of space. But it just goes forever for miles and miles and it's densely packed all the way along. The best part ... infinite volleyball nets. We search post 8 for my friend Mel but can't find her on the busy beach. We finally settle down, sans Kelly (Portuguese name "Purple Chest"), and Matt and I do what we do. We beat some local kids 2 out of 3 matches. Matt is completely immobile due to his bad knee. But he plays anyway and we do OK. If he was healthy, the games would have been a joke but his injury makes them close to even. Matty, I don't know if you were having any fun but if you took all that pain for me ... thank you.
After beating the locals we play with a couple of kids (10 or 11 maybe) and these kids were absolutely phenomenal. You may think I'm exagerating but the ability and ball control that these tiny little kids displayed absolutely blew my mind. They were quick and they could actually pass set and even hit despite not being able to rise above the net. I got a picture with one who was very polite and charming and spoke some english.
We played until after sunset. The beach has stadium lighting so you can play as late as you like. And it's hot and humid so temperature is not an issue. We've only been here for 2 days so far but the best part of the trip for me so far has been the walk back from the beach to the hotel. We were a couple of miles away since we'd cruised down to try to find Mel (and failed). Tired but clean from the ocean water with drinks in our hands we strode the long walk and took in the scenery. Just me and my best friend feeling good about the fact that we're finally really in Rio. The moment is not about our other companions one track quest for poon.
That night we went out to dinner at some all you can eat place which was nice. Downside was all they had was meat. Hard to find fruits or veggies here so a good diet will probably take extra work. Afterwards we stopped at a fruit juice stand and I (as is my single greatest god given tallent) made friends with a couple of local gays which is always a great resouce for info and connections. Later, when I asked them where a cool local club was they inquired further about what exactly we were after. The disappointed looks on their faces were obvious when I told them my friends liked music and a couple of them wanted straight (non-prostitute) girls. I think they still hoped that the fact that I didn't say anything about myself looking for girls might have let their imagination roam.
After that we went to the silliest most clownish club I've ever been to. It's a tiny matchbox but they got all this security and managers running around with headsets and clip boards acting like they're protecting the president or coordinating backstage entertainment for the emmies. Here's the crazy part. They give you a card when you get in and you're required to purchase X reails in alcohol before you can leave, otherwise you just have to pay the difference before you can go. You're literally in prison and now have to buy your way out. The process of going home was comical. I wasn't drinking much so I guess I still owed a bundle. Meanwhile, Matt wanted my balance transerred to his card since he was getting after it. It took 3 guys in ties using 3 computers to handle this process. How the fuck can anyone have fun in a place like this? It was like buying a goddamn car. As Paul read in an online review, this was a "slick, soulless place which desperately tried to convey sophistication and international appeal but in the end leaves the visitors with a nagging feeling that the real fun Rio resides elswhere."
Anyway, Matt finally buys my way out of that hellhole and I go home. I take the pill that Paul gave me, and I didn't take, on the airplane. I haven't slept in 36 hours and I need to pass out ASAP. Next thing I know Kelly is bouncing on my bed and it's 3 PM.
We jet to the beach and I play ball with some locals while Matt and the boys screw around. I played with a 6'7 guy who is on some all-Rio indoor v-ball team. Then I drink and eat a coconut with my bare hands and go home alone. Now I'm here typing this blog while the guys are drinking and getting ready to go out. I fear that we'll never get adjusted to the time zone if we keep staying out late and I don't want to miss any more daytime. I think I'll roll out with them but be more ruthless when it comes to cutting out and going home. I won't let them guilt me into staying out late in any more money sucking tourist traps.
Tomorrow we'll probably visit the Jesus statue and buy our tickets for Florianapolis. Paul wants to stay in the Northern side of the Island so you can go to more clubs like the one from last night. I'm in more of a Koh Tao state of mind. I have to find a way to shed my big city skin that has calcified over my soul and won't let me enjoy myself. We'll see how that goes.
I tired to fight this for a while. Rationalizing that I'd rather pay full price and fly on my own terms with confidence than to risk letting my vacation get ruined by spending 3 days in the DC airport or some shit like that. In the end, Matt's cheapness and Paul's insistence won over and I gave in. But in a way I also gave up. Not on travelling or having fun. But on making plans. What's the point of having hotel reservations if you don't know when you're getting in? What's the point of researching Rio if you might end up in Sao Pauolo. It was a painful departure from my usual methods but after a while I came to enjoy the IDGAF approach.
Anyhoo, the departure day started nicely enough. I had a good night sleep and was spending my last few moments playing with the kids. Kelly come's over and in true Kelly fasion announces that he'd like to do some laundry before we pick Paul up from the airport. If nothing else, Kelly is very creative and resouceful when it comes to finding new and innovative ways of fucking up. But we love him for that. Much more Kelly moments coming soon. After his laundry load we jump in the xTerra and head downtown to pick Paul up from a BMW body shop. Kelly spends the entire ride down arguing on the phone with his girlfriend and I must admit I was entertained. It was very theatrical and made me feel like I was in the middle of one of those semi-serious Seinfeld episodes.
We pick up P-Styles who immediately begins telling us about his most recent female aquaintances and that keeps me nice and bored 'til we get to the airport (just kidding Paul).
I drop us off at the deaprture terminal and Paul takes my car to the employee parking for pilots and tells us to meet him at the gate. I get busted for having a knife in my first aid kit. As I'm repacking my pack I'm thinking to myself "fuck it. It's a piece of shit knife anyway. I'll just tell them they can keep it and stick in their ass. Plus I still have the kick-ass leatherman's tool Jen's dad got me so I'm fine."
Then, the chubby, droopy-jowled midget who searched my bag sais. "OK. Thanks. I'll just run you back through again and you can be on your way."
Again? Are you fuckin' kidding me?" They go through again and and guess what "Sir, do you aome have type of leatherman's tool or something in there?"
"Oh yeah" I say with surprised innocence." "It's right here."
"Well, you can't take this on either."
At this point. As I'm repacking my bag and talking to the lady and deciding what to do about the knives when I notice that my boarding pass is no where to be found. After a few more agonizing moments Kelly hands it to me. Turns out he had grabbed it and put it in his pockets. I told you the little fella never runs out of creative ways to fuck up. Anyway, I run back out of security and mail my knives back home since I wasn't gonna toss the tool Tom got me. It had been everywhere with me. Kelly spends this entire time talking to his shrink and baby mama mama.
I get back through security and being that we're both so distracted we go to the wrong gate. After 30 minutes we realize this and jet to the correct gate in time to meet paul. We get in 1st class which on this flight is like coach with wider seats. But whatever, we're on our way to DC and Kelly and I exchange a terrorist fist bump and the plane gets airborne. We talk about our friends and recent developments in our social circle for a while. Then he sleeps and I begin reading "Average American Male". It's a fierce read. I highly recommend it if you have a penis.
Now before we took off and lost cell phone coverage Paul gets a vague text from Matt that he's not being let back into the gate area. We concoct all the reasons this might be happening (travel embargo, airline rules for companion tickets, etc.) and all the ways we can fix the issue. In the end, it was all for naught and Matt had used his long layover to find a way to get through. We connect to our flight to Rio and as luck would have it, Kelly and Paul get bumped to first class but Mattt and I are stuck in coach. They both promise to come back and switch with us after their naps so we can sleep too. They both lied.
10:15
Matt takes a white sleeping pill Paul gave us with the promise that "it will make you drool". Ardi doesn't.
10:25
Matt's passed out. Ardi's reading.
12:15
The passangers in front of us complain because Ardi's toe is on their armrest. Dont' these fuckers know I have a bad back and need my feet elevated?
1:30
Ardi is hoping all those straight A's in geometry class can now show him how to fit a grown man in a 2 foot by 2 foot box horizontally so he can sleep. Mrs. Delaney would be ashamed & disappointed.
3:19
Ardi is watching the interactive map of our flight pattern and trying to see if he can actually observe the movement of the airplane. He is convinced he can even though the displays are snapshots.
5:45
Ardi is watching Max Payne in Portuguese. Doesn't think the voice acting is very well done based on his almost non-existnet knowledge of the language.
7:28
Ardi fantasizes about following someone who has an empty seat next to them to the bathroom so he can suffocate them and sleep in their double seat. Kelly is dreaming about tanning cream. Paul's dreaming about poon. Matt's dreaming about Brownies.
10:30
Paul comes over with a big smile and tells us about what a great night sleep he had. Ardi feels a distinct burning sensation in his butt overall ass zone. He didn't have chilli last night so he concludes it's probably just rage.
We land around 11 ish and per Paul's advice we rush out to security so we can catch the airline crew bus to the vicinity of Ipanema beach. Ofcourse, CKK, Creative Kelly Kortman, realized that he left his camera on the plane and we go from being the 1st people through customs to the last. We wonder why the heck he even had his camera out on a red-eye flight. WTF was he taking pictures of. His feet? We still manage to catch the crew bus. We get accosted by a few gay attendants but it seems worth the free ride. I meet the captain and he's very cool and has good advice.
We catch a cab to a couple of non-ideal locations. The traffic in Ipanema is slow and we already know where we want to stay to we finally pay the cabbie and hoof it. We find a big double room. with 4 beds, nice bathroom, AC, fridge, and low price. We're stoked for the prime find and hit the beach.
We explore for a while. Ipanema beach is insanely crowded. Not uncomfortably ... there's plenty of space. But it just goes forever for miles and miles and it's densely packed all the way along. The best part ... infinite volleyball nets. We search post 8 for my friend Mel but can't find her on the busy beach. We finally settle down, sans Kelly (Portuguese name "Purple Chest"), and Matt and I do what we do. We beat some local kids 2 out of 3 matches. Matt is completely immobile due to his bad knee. But he plays anyway and we do OK. If he was healthy, the games would have been a joke but his injury makes them close to even. Matty, I don't know if you were having any fun but if you took all that pain for me ... thank you.
After beating the locals we play with a couple of kids (10 or 11 maybe) and these kids were absolutely phenomenal. You may think I'm exagerating but the ability and ball control that these tiny little kids displayed absolutely blew my mind. They were quick and they could actually pass set and even hit despite not being able to rise above the net. I got a picture with one who was very polite and charming and spoke some english.
We played until after sunset. The beach has stadium lighting so you can play as late as you like. And it's hot and humid so temperature is not an issue. We've only been here for 2 days so far but the best part of the trip for me so far has been the walk back from the beach to the hotel. We were a couple of miles away since we'd cruised down to try to find Mel (and failed). Tired but clean from the ocean water with drinks in our hands we strode the long walk and took in the scenery. Just me and my best friend feeling good about the fact that we're finally really in Rio. The moment is not about our other companions one track quest for poon.
That night we went out to dinner at some all you can eat place which was nice. Downside was all they had was meat. Hard to find fruits or veggies here so a good diet will probably take extra work. Afterwards we stopped at a fruit juice stand and I (as is my single greatest god given tallent) made friends with a couple of local gays which is always a great resouce for info and connections. Later, when I asked them where a cool local club was they inquired further about what exactly we were after. The disappointed looks on their faces were obvious when I told them my friends liked music and a couple of them wanted straight (non-prostitute) girls. I think they still hoped that the fact that I didn't say anything about myself looking for girls might have let their imagination roam.
After that we went to the silliest most clownish club I've ever been to. It's a tiny matchbox but they got all this security and managers running around with headsets and clip boards acting like they're protecting the president or coordinating backstage entertainment for the emmies. Here's the crazy part. They give you a card when you get in and you're required to purchase X reails in alcohol before you can leave, otherwise you just have to pay the difference before you can go. You're literally in prison and now have to buy your way out. The process of going home was comical. I wasn't drinking much so I guess I still owed a bundle. Meanwhile, Matt wanted my balance transerred to his card since he was getting after it. It took 3 guys in ties using 3 computers to handle this process. How the fuck can anyone have fun in a place like this? It was like buying a goddamn car. As Paul read in an online review, this was a "slick, soulless place which desperately tried to convey sophistication and international appeal but in the end leaves the visitors with a nagging feeling that the real fun Rio resides elswhere."
Anyway, Matt finally buys my way out of that hellhole and I go home. I take the pill that Paul gave me, and I didn't take, on the airplane. I haven't slept in 36 hours and I need to pass out ASAP. Next thing I know Kelly is bouncing on my bed and it's 3 PM.
We jet to the beach and I play ball with some locals while Matt and the boys screw around. I played with a 6'7 guy who is on some all-Rio indoor v-ball team. Then I drink and eat a coconut with my bare hands and go home alone. Now I'm here typing this blog while the guys are drinking and getting ready to go out. I fear that we'll never get adjusted to the time zone if we keep staying out late and I don't want to miss any more daytime. I think I'll roll out with them but be more ruthless when it comes to cutting out and going home. I won't let them guilt me into staying out late in any more money sucking tourist traps.
Tomorrow we'll probably visit the Jesus statue and buy our tickets for Florianapolis. Paul wants to stay in the Northern side of the Island so you can go to more clubs like the one from last night. I'm in more of a Koh Tao state of mind. I have to find a way to shed my big city skin that has calcified over my soul and won't let me enjoy myself. We'll see how that goes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)